Thoughts on a week that brought us within one win of the promise land…

Look-A-Like of the Week: It feels very strange to do a look-a-like bit with Sam Cassell and have the other subject be a human, but the resemblance between Sammy and Russell Simmons (at least in these two photos) is pretty uncanny. Good for Sam. I think he needs this. In fact, if I were Cassell I’d start carrying around this picture of Simmons in my wallet. So next time someone tries to call him ugly, he can just whip it out (the picture… I’m talking about the PICTURE!) and be like, “Oh, so I guess that means you think RUSSELL SIMMONS is ugly too!”

That’ll show them.

Note: I saw Sam Cassell out at a bar after Game 5, and I have to admit: I was amazed at how normal he looked. He appears kind of trollish running around in a basketball uniform with a bunch of 6-9 dudes, but when he’s in public, and in human clothes, he’s a pretty big guy, and most of his typically grotesque features aren’t as pronounced.

Winner of the Week: Kendrick Perkins

I’ve always been hard on Perk. People would talk about how young he was, but I was already impatient. I never saw enough to be convinced he’d become a legit NBA center. Most of that was because he has too many bad habits—his knack for bringing the ball to his knees every time he touched it being the chief concern. I was OK with his skills still being unpolished, but most of his problems were mental. He wasn’t bringing the ball to the floor because he wasn’t good enough, he was doing it because he didn’t have a good head for the game. It was common sense, and on the court, Perk just didn’t have any.

I wrote the last part of that paragraph in the past tense, as if all these problems have disappeared because he had one 18 and 16 game. He still has a lot of work to do, but these playoffs—and especially the Pistons series—have convinced me that there is most definitely a place for Kendrick Perkins in the Celtics’ future. If you don’t know me, you don’t realize how huge that last statement is. It’s like a break through in therapy, and it feels good.

Loser of the Week: The Red Sox

This isn’t only because the Sox have lost five of their last six games. That’s pretty awful in and of itself. What’s worse is that I’m having a very hard time caring.

I don’t know what it is about baseball season this year, but I haven’t got the fever yet, and part of me wonders if—for the most die-hard and obsessive Boston fans—the Sox haven’t jumped the shark a little bit since winning their second World Series in four years.

I know this is sacrilege, but can any of you admit to being as obsessed about the Red Sox in 2008 as you were in 2002 or even 2005? If so, maybe you’re a better fan than I am. I’m just struggling to get into it. This isn’t saying that I don’t still love the Sox, I obviously do, there’s just no way in hell I have the attention span to take three to four hours on a spring or early summer night to watch an entire game. Why? Glad you asked.

For one, the games don’t really matter. OK, maybe that’s a little bit of an overstatement. If the Sox end up missing the playoffs by one game, you can always say, “Hey remember that 1-0 loss to the Mariners back in May? Remember how you said it was insignificant? Well, you’re an idiot.” Fine, I am, but we all know that baseball season doesn’t mean anything until at least August. If the Sox drop 17 straight games, then that’s a story, but as long as they are in contention, I can’t get myself to worked up until September is in sight.

Two, the games have been SO painfully long. This has been written about already by anyone and everyone who covers baseball—to the point where the only thing more boring than watching a long baseball game is reading a column about the fact that baseball games are too long—so I won’t rehash it here, but as of now, watching an entire Sox game is like sitting through the director’s cut of Dances With Wolves. Not that I’ve ever done that, but I assume it’s mighty tedious.

Three, there’s the Celtics and Patriots. It had been so long since there was ever anything else to worry about in the spring/summer. The C’s were irrelevant—2001 and 2002 were fun but we they were never going to beat the Lakers—and even as the Patriots were becoming a dynasty they hadn’t yet reached the point when they were year round news. This year changed everything. Not only are the Celtics still playing, but they have a legit opportunity to win the whole thing, and the Patriots might get more coverage in the offseason than they do when they’re playing. It’s only natural to back of the Sox a little bit.

For these reasons—as well as their recent slump—the Sox are the losers of the week.

Surprise of the Week: I can’t even get started on what TNT (We Know Drama!!) and TBS (Very Funny!!) do with the ad campaigns for their various shows. I know its kind of funny to talk about how often they play commercials for the Closer, Saving Grace, Tyler Perry’s House of Payne and the Bill Engvall Show, but in reality it’s the most painful and torturous TV- related cruelty since season one of Michael Rappaport’s The War at Home. It’s so unnecessary and I can’t imagine that more people are watching Tyler Perry and Bill Engvall because the shows are jammed down their throats. If anything I’d guess they are losing viewers. Driving them away with persistence. They want you to like them so badly, and as a result, fall victim to one of the sad facts of life: When you try really hard to make someone like you, they invariably end up disliking you. That’s what’s happened with me and these shows.

Can they really not find anyone to buy ad space during the NBA Playoffs? Is it really worth it to waste all that air time on publicizing stupid shows that most people won’t watch anyways?

Or how about the commercials where they combine Bill Engvall clips with one-liners from Family Guy? “Hey, I’ve got an idea! If we put clips of a funny show next to ones from an unfunny show, maybe people will forget what they’re laughing at and watch our crappy show!!”

Not falling for it.

See. I didn’t want to get started but there’s years of pent up anger going on here. But that brings me to the surprise of the week… I finally laughed at one of the awful commercials! It’s the one where Engvall and Nancy Travis are folding laundry and he makes the comment about his daughter’s thong. Not bad, Mr. Engvall. I’ll have to update my laugh tally.

Times laughed: 1

Times wanting to punch myself in the face: 501

Note: I was a huge Nancy Travis fan back in the day. She was always one of my sleeper crushes. I was a little young to appreciate her in Three Men and a Baby, but once So I Married an Ax Murderer came around, I was in love… with Anthony LaPaglia… but I liked Nancy Travis too.

Random Interjection of the Week: I’m watching Game 5 of the Western Conference Finals right now and even if they don’t end up wrapping it up tonight (Update: They did), I’m officially scared of the Lakers. I know it’s incredibly presumptuous to think about potential Finals opponents at this time. But I’m just saying, IF the Celtics win, I’m scared of the Lakers and here are four “definitely too early, but not jinxing anything because I’m just trying to make conversation” predictions for a potential Lakers series:

Player I’ll Respect the Most: Kobe Bryant
Non-Superstar Who I’ll Fear the Most: Derek Fisher
Player I’ll Enjoy Watching the Most: Lamar Odom
Player I’ll Hate the Most: Sasha Vujacic

Link of the Week:

This one’s a little old, but well worth it if you haven’t seen it.

This might come off as a little weird, but I think I’m pretty close to classifying Rasheed Wallace as a genius. Geniuses come in many different shapes, and there’s something about the guy that makes me think that he’s working on an entirely different and advanced plane. He’s like a mad scientist. I’m completely fascinated.

Note: This video is almost ruined by the cheesy graphics and god awful pool analogies, but Sheed makes up for it.

“Prediction For Next Week” of the Week: Celtics in 7!

See You Next Friday

Rich Levine is a contributor to Wicked Good Sports with his “Wicked Weekly” column and podcast, “The Dino Radja Experience”. Rich is also a columnist for The Improper Bostonian.