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July 4, 2009
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This week brings us divisional clashes, absurd lines and Dan Orlovskys aplenty—so let’s get on to the picks!
(Note: All pick are made against the spread.)
San Diego at Buffalo (-1)
Only two weeks after suffering a brutal concussion against the Cardinals, Bills QB Trent Edwards told reporters that he’ll start on Sunday. But unbeknownst to Edwards, he made the announcement while standing alone in his bathroom and speaking into a tube of toothpaste. Pick: Bills
Pittsburgh (-9.5) at Cincinnati
Steelers safety Troy Polamalu said Wednesday that the league’s excessive fines for late hits are making the NFL a "pansy game." Added Bengals coach Marvin Lewis: "Yeah! And same goes for fines against domestic violence, substance abuse, drunk driving, concealed weapons, marijuana possession, disorderly conduct, boating under the influence, resisting arrest, spousal battery and elbowing an off-duty officer in the chest… Panzies!" Pick: Steelers
Tennessee (-8) at Kansas City
The Chiefs defense takes a blow when Bernard Pollard is scratched from the line up with a concussion after being slapped in the side of the head by Larry Johnson. Johnson had no comment. Pick: Titans
Baltimore at Miami (-3)
Ravens coach John Harbaugh angered the Dolphins organization this week when he said that his offensive coordinator, Cam Cameron, "did a great job with what he had to work with" during his one year in Miami. A pissed off and befuddled Bill Parcells responded with, "Oh yeah… well I had sex with your wife!" Sadly, Harbaugh’s wife is in a coma. Pick: Dolphins
Dallas (-7) at St. Louis
Tony Romo arrives in St. Louis with plans of playing through the pain in his broken right pinky, but gets cold feet at the last second after a random pre-game handshake with Brian Baldinger. Pick: Cowboys
Minnesota at Chicago (-3)
SOLDIERS FIELD: PRE-GAME
ADRIAN PETERSON: Hey yo, Adrian!
ADRIAN PETERSON: Ah yeah. Good one, man.
ADRIAN PETERSON: Yeah. So, uh, good stuff…
ADRIAN PETERSON: Uh huh…
(couple awkward seconds pass)
ADRIAN PETERSON: Hey listen, I know that we always feel like we gotta say hi because of this name thing, but we honestly don’t even have three things in common.
ADRIAN PETERSON: Read my mind, bro. Peace.
Pick: Bears
New Orleans at Carolina (-3)
Devery Henderson leads the Saints with 385 receiving yards this season, despite having only 12 catches—29 fewer than Reggie Bush. Henderson would be ecstatic if it weren’t for the subpoena he received Tuesday afternoon:
State of New York
PLAINTIFF: Lee Evans
DEFENDANT: Devery Henderson
CLAIM: Copyright Infringement
Pick: Panthers
San Francisco at New York Giants (-10.5)
These two teams have played some classics over the years. There’s the Monday night showdown in 1990… the NFC Championship in 1991… the botched field goal and non-pass intereference call in the playoffs… and then (looking down and shaking head), there’s this one. Pick: Giants
Detroit at Houston (-9)
Detroit leads Houston, 27-10, with five minutes left when Gary Kubiak calls a time out and motions Detroit coach Rod Marinelli to mid-field:
KUBIAK: Hey, coach listen, I know you guys have some quarterback issues, so here’s what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna give you Sage Rosenfels.
MARINELLI: For what?
KUBIAK: For nothing, but there’s a catch. You gotta put him in right now.
MARINELLI: That’s it? And he’s ours?
KUBIAK: All yours.
MARINELLI: Deal!
Final score: Texans, 31-27. Pick: Lions
New York Jets (-3) at Oakland
Jets practice was interrupted for 25 minutes on Thursday when a stray kitten wandered onto the field.
ERIC MANGINI: (rocking the kitten in his arms) Look guys! I think I’m gonna call her Brett.
JERRICHO COTCHERY: Hey coach, I didn’t want to say anything, but it’s kinda weird how you keep naming everything Brett.
MANGINI: That’s enough out of you, Brett.
Pick: Raiders
Note: I realize that unique NFL names are nothing new, but the Jets three best receiver are named Jerricho, Chanci and Laveranues. Even weirder is that I’m pretty sure all three of them appear somewhere in Dikembe Mutombo’s full name.
Cleveland at Washington (-7)
The Browns continue their mid-season resurgence, but midway through the second half CBS is thrust into another Wardrobe Malfunction-like controversy when one of its cameramen goes in for a close up on what he thinks is the Direct TV blimp. It turns out to be Kellen Winlsow’s right testicle. Pick: Browns
Indianapolis (-2) at Green Bay
Peyton Manning made headlines this week when it was revealed that he actually had two off-season surgeries on his bum knee. Feeling inspired by Manning’s admission, Tony Dungy made a startling announcement of his own on Thursday: "Guys, I gotta get this off my chest. Five years ago, it took doctors two separate surgeries to permanently glue this mustache onto my face." Pick: Packers
Seattle at Tampa Bay (-10.5)
The Bucs try to pump up the home crowd with a special halftime Jumbotron tribute to the Rays. But more than anything, it just causes a lot of confusion. "Who the hell were those guys?" Pick: Buccaneers
Denver at New England (-3)
If the Patriots are going to win, the offensive line needs to buy Matt Cassel some time. But regardless of how Matt Light fares, you can be sure he’ll look like a pro doing it (on and off the field).
Pick: Patriots
Note: Is there anyway that Casual Male got Light’s permission to use that photo on the far right at the end of the commercial?
RECORD
Last Week: 6-8
Season: 33-37-2
These jokes make too much sense.
Don’t quit your day job.
Sincerly,
Jim McCabe
PS- I got stung by a B. So I said “C you later!” So I’m taking the big D of Dallas. Pick: Cowboys.
To all these so called sport experts - I’m glad you doubt the Bills as real contenders. We don’t want you on our Bandwagon. Just remember what you said at the end of the year and how embarrassed you going to be for being so wrong. It will start again this Sunday when a well rested Buffalo Bills team takes a chunk out the “SO CALLED” revived Chargers. The Chargers beat up 3 times this year by who, can you name them ? Then play pretty good against the Pariots…wippy doo !!! Should we just play the Super Bowl now ( Chargers & Cowboys) …. These teams are done when the BOTH LOSE SUNDAY…. Count on a young aggressive Bills team to come out and play hard for thieir fans and Coach. Bills Special teams will score today and a stunting Defense that has had 2 week to get ready for Chargers will be too much for a “use 2 be” great runner LT and will confuse Phillip Rivers into big mistakes. After all could Phillip Rivers win when Chargers were GOOD ???? Take the Bills -7….. Bills 34 - Charger 24
Wow, I can’t imagine your reaction if I’d picked the Chargers.
Rich, It’s not your pick choice but the way you chose to to pick. The joke about Edwards injury makes it seem as he’s less then other starting QB’s. I heard no jokes about Tony Romo of the Cowboys and that bunch of under achievers. Give alittle respect and credit for a young team playing very well. Up state New York has been waiting a long time for something to cheer about and won’t stand for the wise cracks. Instead we look forward to making all the experts eat their words. I can’t wait until mid-season when most of the pre season favorites have left the experts no choice but to talk about the real winners this season like the Tennessee, Buffalo, Washington and Atlanta….Back the Bills now and look smarter then the rest, Later…….I don’t see old number 12 on the sidelines anymore and the announcer isn’t telling Miami “You’ve just been Thurmanated. The crowd of 70,000 fan’s chanting the name “Bruce” after a big sack of Dan Marino……But its a good start. Don’t you think so ?
Not sure who made the better predictions this week: Rich (stellar week, by the way) or Randy’s call about the Cowboys and Chargers losing. I couldn’t agree more that those two clubs are the most overrated and overpriced teams on the market right now. You keep betting against the pair of them in every game for the rest of the year and you are going to get paid. Mark it down.
Ok, lets get started by looking at next week: Sunday 10-26
What we all know is
Bills @ Dolphins : The Dolphins have been “cute” with the tricks but ,Yeah we’ve seen it already…. pick Bills
Chargers @ Saints : Saint will do enough to win ugly…pick Saints
Colts @ Titans : Everyone know the Titans are going to lose a game, but it won’t be this one…..pick Titans
The Shockers to look out for :
Rams @ Patriots : Too many injuries, the luck runs out for the Patriots today, no they really aren’t that good…pick Rams
Bucs @ Cowboys : I don’t like the cowboys, who does ? Not the bucs, “Mad at the world” Cowboys will make the
Bucs pay for their embarrassment…..pick Cowboys
Falcons @ Eagles : Do the Eagles ever play like they are “capable” ??? Every week win or lose they always leave
a little on the table. This week it gets them beat……pick Falcons
For the Eagle fan’s : Capable : Source, Funk & Wagnalls standard desk dictionary. The word Capable. Having ability,
competent. Having the capacity or qualities needed for success.