(All picks are made against the spread)

Oakland at New Orleans  (-7)

Reggie Bush continues his special teams rampage with two more punt returns for touchdown. Sean Payton calls it “the most amazing thing I’ve seen on a football field since Drew Brees stiff-armed a defender with his birth mark in ’06.” Pick: Saints

Baltimore at Indianapolis (-4)

With the game tied, 17-17, with 15 seconds left, Peyton Manning finds Marvin Harrison in the corner of the end zone for a dramatic game-winning score. But the celebration turns tragic when Harrison violently spikes the ball, which explodes off the Indy turf and kills an old woman in the stands. After the game, Harrison admits to scoring the game winner, but claims to have absolutely nothing to do with the ball in question. Pick: Colts

Carolina at Tampa Bay (-1)

THURSDAY AFTERNOON: BUCS PRACTICE FACILITY

OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR BILL MUIR: Listen, coach. This Carolina D is for real. They haven’t let up a touchdown in nine quarters! I’ve been studying the tape for 72 straight hours and I still can’t figure out they’re doing…

JON GRUDEN: Have you tried yelling at the video?

MUIR: Yes, coach.

GRUDEN: How about scowling in its general direction?

MUIR: Tried it.

GRUDEN: What if you just stare at it with an evil eye for a couple minutes?

MUIR: Ooh, that did it! Thanks, coach.

Pick: Buccaneers

Detroit at Minnesota (-13)

An arbitrator ruled this week that former Lions wide receiver Charles Rogers owes the team $8.5-million for violating the league’s substance abuse policy. The same arbitrator later ruled that Tatum Bell owes the team $59.99 for office supplies that disappeared during his tenure. Pick: Vikings

Cincinnati at New York Jets (-5.5)

Merry Prankster Brett Favre pulled quite the gag this week when he planted a rotting animal carcass in teammate Eric Barton’s locker. Says Bengals running back Cedric Benson, "Man, that ain’t nuthin. Just last week Chris Henry murdered a homeless guy and stuffed him in my gym bag." Pick: Bengals

Chicago at Atlanta (+3)

After being suspended for last Sunday’s game against the Lions, Bears Pro Bowl defensive tackle Tommie Harris announced that he’s found God. "I saw what he did for Kitna last week, and had to get on board." Pick: Bears (with a little help from God)

Miami at Houston (-3)

With Matt Schaub set to return to the lineup after missing last week with an illness, back-up Sage Rosenfels announced this morning that he’ll now devote all his energy to ensuring that Schaub never gets sick again. Pick: Texans

St. Louis at Washington (-13.5)

The Redskins go for their fifth straight win this week, the longest win streak in Washington since this past summer when President Bush beat Lego Star Wars II, 37 times in a row. Pick: Rams

Jacksonville at Denver (-3.5)

You think it’s a coincidence that Travis Henry was released from prison only one day before Matt Jones arrives in Denver?Please, that Shanahan’s always up to something… Pick: Jaguars

Philadelphia at San Francisco (+5)

The talk in San Francisco this week is how the receiver-deprived 49ers twice passed on Desean Jackson in last year’s draft. Little known fact: The Niners actually tried to take Jackson with their second pick, but GM Scot McCloughan got a little too excited as he was phoning it in and mistakenly hung up two rings before the call went through. Pick: 49ers.

Dallas at Arizona (+5)

Memo to ESPN employees, from Network President George Bodenheimer:

First of all, I want to thank every one on staff for a top-notch job on this week’s Pacman Jones coverage. Not only were we able to—per usual—completely blow the story out of proportion, but our ability to then take that exaggerated storyline and run with it until our viewers eyes bled is the essence of ESPN. But as great as we were this week, we’re about to get better. I’d like to announce that we’ve shrunk Ed Werder and implanted him inside Pacman Jones. It was a risky procedure, but being the professional he is, Ed jumped at the chance. If Jones so much as thinks about “making it rain”, “getting money” or “f—ing bitches” from now until the end of the season, Ed will be there and we’ll be ready! This is a great day for ESPN, folks. Here’s to ruining sports for at least another four months! Pick: Dallas

Green Bay at Seattle (-1.5)

The Packers and Seahawks usually save their annual showdown for the playoffs. Let’s just say it’s a good thing they’re getting it out of the way in Week 6 this season. Pick: Seahawks

New England at San Diego (-5)

NORV TURNER’S OFFICE: SUNDAY AFTERNOON

LT: (limping and frowning) Hey, coach

TURNER: Ladainian, what’s up and why the hell are you limping?

LT: It’s the right big toe again. Flared up during my pedicure this morning.

TURNER: Then why were you limping on your left foot when you walked in?

LT: Uhhh, I just don’t think I can go tonight. (Waits a second, looks awkwardly at Turner and sprints out of the office at full speed…).

Pick: Patriots

New York Giants at Cleveland (+9)

It’s a homecoming game for breakout Giants receiver Domenik Hixon, who played his college ball at Akron. Says the ever-snippy Insubordinaor: Plaxico Burress, “Big deal, I was once charged with smacking a girl in Shaker Heights.” Pick: Browns 

RECORD 

Last Week: 3-9-2
Season: 27-29-2