For about three years running, my least favorite part about football season in Boston has been the weekly pro picks column in the Friday Globe. I won’t go into much detail, except to say, just check it out for yourself—don’t bother with the opening story, just click to the picks on the second page.

But regardless of my hatred, I always read it. I can’t stay away. Remember what the drug dealer from Go said about Family Circus? How he can’t avoid it because he always knows it was there… just waiting to suck? That’s where I’m at.

Why am I telling you this? Because every Friday this NFL season I’m going to steal the Globe’s format. This way, no one who reads this—which I guess means my parents and seven of my friends—can say, "Hey, you stole that from the Globe!" I know I’m stealing it, but I’m doing so for the good of humanity… on to the picks.

(Note: All picks are made against the spread)

Oakland at Kansas City (-4)

This AFC West snoozefest is interrupted for 25 minutes after Bernard Pollard is struck by lightning… 17 times… in his mouth, but KC picks up the victory, thanks in large part to the fact that the Raiders are horrendous. Pick: Kansas City

Tennessee at Cincinnati (-1)

The Titans lead late in the third quarter and seem poised for victory… until a confused looking Vince Young wonders on to the field wearing only flip flops and a cowboy hat, sits down Indian style on the 50-yard line and starts sobbing uncontrollably. You just don’t come back from that. Pick: Cincinnati

Indianapolis (-2) at Minnesota

In the NFL’s first ever Mustache Match, Tony Dungy and Vikings head man Brad Childress each agree to shave off their ’stache if their team loses. But the joke’s on Dungy, Childress grows two layers of mustache on gameday. Pick: Minnesota

New Orleans (-1) at Washington

After learning that former Pats receiver David Patten will start for injured Saints wideout Marques Colston, the Redskins go one better—announcing that Vincent Brisby will replace their own banged up starter, Antwan Randel-El. That scream you just heard came from Michael Timpson’s apartment. Pick: Washington

Green Bay (-3) at Detroit

A loss here, and Detroit already finds itself two games behind Green Bay in the NFC North standings. Says GM Matt Millen, “If given the chance, I pledge that by 2011 we’ll figure out a way to be two games back after only one week!” Pick: Detroit

Chicago at Carolina (-3)

After scoring a pair of improbable Week 1 upsets, the Bears and Panthers face off for the title of “The NFL’s Most Surprising 2-0 Team.” Devin Hester finishes as the Bears leading receiver—with three catches for 19 yards—as former Bears/current Panthers wideout Muhsin Muhammad texts his agent: “P.S. I love you.” Pick: Carolina

New York Giants (-9) at St. Louis

Winners of 11 straight road games, the Giants go for No. 12 in St. Louis. There are only three things in the world easier than extending a road winning streak against the Rams: Glass Joe, Australian push-ups and catching a Hail Mary off your helmet in the Super Bowl with a defender in your face. Seriously, anyone could do that. Pick: New York

Buffalo at Jacksonville (-5.5)

Buffalo scored two special teams touchdowns in their Week 1 win over the Seahawks. Reached at home for a postgame reaction, former Bills GM Marv Levy replied, “Where am I?” Pick: Jacksonville

Atlanta at Tampa Bay (-7)

Matt Ryan makes the second start of his career, but don’t expect Tampa’s defense to be as forgiving as Detroit. Which is to say, they won’t consider pinching and scratching viable tackling strategies. Pick: Tampa Bay

San Francisco at Seattle (-7)

Former No. 1 pick Alex Smith goes down for the year again, and somewhere Tim Couch is laughing. Not at Smith, but because he’s spent the last two months watching the Merv Griffin Seinfeld episode on repeat. Pick: San Francisco

Miami at Arizona (-6.5)

Not sure Arizona’s quite as good as people think, and don’t think the Dolphins are quite as bad, but while we’re here, what do we think really happened with Rod Tidwell at the end of Jerry Maguire? He clearly got knocked unconscious on that last play, and while I can understand adrenaline accounting for his ridiculous celebration, how does he not have any postgame side effects? He walks out of the locker room looking like he just got off the plane from a week in Cabo.

I’ve only been knocked out cold once—for like three seconds in eighth grade—so can’t really relate, but is it possible to be unconscious for five minutes and then just be cool? Pick: Miami

New England at New York Jets (-1.5)

I’m still holding out hope that this “Brady injury” is a genius Belichick ploy to make the Jets waste a week preparing for Matt Cassel. Expect to see a healthy No. 12 at the Meadowlands on Sunday… seriously though, time isn’t making this tragedy any easier to deal with. I’m heading over to the methadone clinic in Soutie after lunch and asking for the Brady serum. Pick: New England

Baltimore at Houston (-4.5)

The Ravens are the team fantasy football forgot. Willis McGahee’s their only legit option, and there’s not an owner starting McGahee this week who doesn’t secretly hate himself for having to do it. Pick: Houston

San Diego (-1.5) at Denver

Last year, Phillip Rivers spent the week leading up to the Broncos game talking trash about Champ Bailey. This year, Denver LB DJ Williams returned the favor by calling out LaDainian Tomlinson. Upon seeing the bulletin board in the Chargers locker room, LT slammed down his visor, folded his arms and yelled (through a stream of tears), “Those guys are SO mean! I am NOT playing!” Pick: Denver

Pittsburgh (-6.5) at Cleveland

A win today for Big Ben in the boys would make 10 it straight over Cleveland. The last time we saw that type of dominance out of Pittsburgh was 2003’s legendary “Female Steelers Fan Sausage Eating Contest”—which ultimately led to the Great Sausage Famine of 2004. Pick: Pittsburgh

Philadelphia at Dallas (-7)

The Cowboys D takes a hit when safety Roy Williams sprains his knee at halftime trying to sneak into a bathroom stall behind TO. Pick: Philadelphia