In honor of Week 12, I’m vowing to win 12 games. Vow, I say.

(As always, all picks are made against the spread.)

NY Jets at Tennessee (-5)

JIM NANTZ: Hello, folks, and welcome back to Tennessee, where after a punt, the Titans have taken over the ball on their own 30.

PHIL SIMMS: Wow, Jim. Take a look at that. I mean I’ve seen some things in this league, but I’ve never seen this. For some reason, Titans running back LenDale White is lining up at cornerback for the Jets.

NANTZ: Phil, that’s Ty Law…

SIMMS: Woah, really?

NANTZ: Yeah, I know, right?

Pick: Titans

New England at Miami (-1)

In what many think was  an act of gamesmanship, the Dolphins released their injury report on Thursday without ONE player listed as missing any time. Bill Belichick responded today by listing every single Patriot on the injury report. Unfortunately, it had nothing to do with getting back at Miami. Pick: Patriots

Houston at Cleveland (-3)

During last Monday’s game against the Bills, Browns GM Phil Savage received an angry email from a fan, and naturally, responded with "Go root for Buffalo— f@#* you."

A couple days later, Savage apologized for the email. "Yeah, I’ve definitely got to apologize," he said. "What I should have written was:

‘Go root for Buffalo—f@#* you, you f@#*ing piece of s*#@!

Bite Me,

Macho Man Phil Savage"

Pick: Browns

Buffalo (-3) at Kansas City

Last week against the Saints, Tony Gonzalez caught a pass for the 125th straight game, while over in Buffalo, Lee Evans was held without a catch for the first time in 66 games. Have I sufficiently diverted your attention away from the fact that there’s absolutely nothing fun or interesting to say about this game? Pick: Bills

San Francisco at Dallas (-10)

This week in Dallas, Tony Romo took a homeless man to the movies. When the man warned Tony that he hadn’t showered in days, the QB responded, "Don’t worry about it, man. You’re talking to a guy who makes a living sticking his nose over Andre Gurode’s ass." Pick: Cowboys

Tampa Bay (-7.5) at Detroit

Lions coach Rod Marinelli—who previously worked as the Bucs defensive line coach—said this week that when he’s not in the office, he unwinds by watching Warren Saap on Dancing With the Stars. Other Marinelli methods of relaxation include reading, playing with his grandchildren, and chugging so much cough syrup that he believes he’s still coaching in Tampa. Pick: Lions

Philadelphia at Baltimore (-1)

In a season marred by pathetic goal line offense, the Eagles drop another close one, 24-20, after they’re stopped four straight times from the one-yard line. But as the final whistle sounds, Donovan McNabb is celebrating at midfield.

ANDY REID: Donovan, what the hell are you doing?

MCNABB: Yeah!! (delivers a huge bear hug) We did it, coach!

REID: Donovan, we didn’t get into the f—ing end zone…

MCNABB: So!?!? That’s never stopped off scoring before! Come on, let’s party!

REID: Touchdowns are how you score points.

MCNABB: (realizes…) Oh, well that’s the first I’ve heard about that. 

Pick: Ravens

Chicago (-7.5) at St. Louis

At a Wednesday press conference, Coach Jim Haslett gave Marc Bulger a pretty significant vote of confidence:

"For the future, my vision is Marc’s the quarterback here for the next so-many years and that’s not going to change," Haslett said. "He’s going to be here, that’s just the way it is."

He went on to add: "Of course, I myself won’t be here, so what I’m saying right now has  absolutely no effect on his actual future here. You know what I mean? Hell, while I’m here, I’d also like to announce that my wife will start at nose tackle in 2010. Ha! Get it?" Pick: Bears

Minnesota at Jacksonville (-2.5)

This week’s "No Need To Write A Joke" Quote of the Week:

Troy Williamson on former coach Brad Childress:

"If y’all can give this to coach Childress, we can meet on the 50-yard line," Williamson said. "We can go at it. I’d even tie my hands around my back. If I can duke it out with coach Childress, that would be a different story. Other than that, this is just another game.” Pick: Vikings

Carolina at Atlanta (-1)

Last week in Carolina, Panthers running backs D’Angelo Williams and Jonathan "The Daily Show" Stewart combined for an impressive 250 yards on the ground. The folks in Atlanta haven’t seen a two-headed running performance like that since Michael Vick and Ron Mexico combined for 173 yards against the Vikings in 2006. Pick: Falcons

Oakland at Denver (-9.5)

The Raiders have only two touchdowns in the last six weeks:

AL DAVIS: Hey, Tom, have you tried giving the offense some Viagra?

TOM CABLE: Huh?

DAVIS: You heard me, Viagra. That miracle worker is the only way I’ve been able to score since Hiroshima…

CABLE: SIr, I really don’t know what you’re talking about…

DAVIS: And did you know that because of that, I’ve since nicknamed my penis the Atomic Bomb?

CABLE: Um…

DAVIS: What, Tom? Does the thought of my Atomic Bomb trouble you?

CABLE: Sir, will you please just fire me already?

DAVIS: Muahahahahaha!!!

Pick: Broncos

Washington (-3.5) at Seattle

REDSKINS TEAM BUS—GAME DAY

D’ANGELO HALL: OK, I know you all are embarrassed to ask, so I’m just gonna put it out there—If Seattle is in Washington, then why in the eff did have to fly all the way across the country to get here?!!

Pick: Redskins

NY Giants (-3) at Arizona

Edgerrin James has asked for his release from the Cardinals. Aside from being pissed off about his lack of touches, Edge said that two weeks ago, the all-righteous Kurt Warner canceled all the porno mag subscriptions Edge had ordered for the locker room. "Man, I missed Junk in the Trunk magazine’s annual Super Booty issue! That’s just taking things too far." Pick: Giants

Indianapolis at San Diego (-2.5)

It’s a celebration in San Diego, as the final seconds tick down with Chargers holding on to a 22-20 lead. But with one second left, the lead official blows his whistle:

"It has been brought to my attention that the official scorer miscalculated on San Diego’s last scoring drive. Please add .75 to San Diego’s total, and on my signal we’ll restart the clock, with one second remaining. THWEEEEEEEET!"

Minutes later, the NFL announces that there was, in fact, no miscalculation, but that the 22.75-20 score will stand.

Pick: Chargers

Green Bay at New Orleans (-2.5)

If there’s one thing we’ve learned about the Packers this season, it’s that Aaron Rodgers is undoubtedly their QB of the future. That is, unless he gets promoted to a job at corporate this offseason.

Pick: Saints

 

RECORD 

Last Week: 8-7
Season: 71-67-4