What better way to ease the pain of a heartbreaking overtime loss than with a batch of money-making NFL Picks!!

Yeah, not making me feel any better either…

(As always, all picks are made against the spread)

Denver at Atlanta (-6.5)

Falcons defensive tackle Grady Jackson is suing a supplement maker which he claims caused his positive drug test. When coach Mike Smith suggested that the lawsuit might be a little frivolous, Jackson grew frantic:

JACKSON: Well, would it be possible to sue you people?

SMITH: Sue me? Why would you sue me? What are talking you about?

JACKSON: Punitive damages.

SMITH: Yeah, but why would you sue me?

JACKSON: I don’t know, sue everybody!

Pick: Falcons

Oakland at Miami (-10.5)

Interim head coach Tom Cable takes over play calling duties in Oakland this week, marking the first time this season the Raiders will call plays. Pick: Dolphins

Houston at Indianapolis (-8.5)

The last time these two teams met, QB Sage Rosenfels barfed up a 17-point lead in the final five minutes. Said Rosenfels on Thursday: "This week I vow to start sucking a lot earlier." Pick: Texans

Dallas (-1.5) at Washington

Speaking to a crew of reporters yesterday, Jerry Jones said that he still absolutely believes that the Cowboys will make the playoffs: 

REPORTER: Jerry, what in the world are you basing that on? Are you maybe just living in denial?

JONES: I am absolutely not. Listen, I know this team better than any of you. I have faith in Coach Switzer’s ability to get these guys together, and Emmitt’s poised for one of his trademark dominant stretches.

REPORTER: Sir, that makes no sense.

JONES: You make no sense.

Pick: Redskins

Tennessee (-3) at Jacksonville

This YouTube video of John Henderson’s pre-game ritual is almost two years old, but I just came across it again and needed to share. Lendale White has a similar pre-game routine where he has a trainer violently slam meatball subs into his mouth. 

Pick: Titans

Chicago at Green Bay (-4)

The Packers and Bears take the field against each other for a record-setting 176th time. Just how old is this rivalry? The first time they played—Nov. 27, 1921—Al Davis was only 35-years old. Pick: Packers

St. Louis at San Francisco (-6)

Offensive mastermind/professional douche Mike Martz blamed last week’s loss on a bad spot on the game’s final play. In a related story, Vernon Davis blamed last week’s insomnia on the image of Mike Singletary’s brown eye. Pick: 49ers

Baltimore at NY Giants (-6.5)

You know that commercial with LT and Troy Polamalu? They’re making a sequel with Brandon Jacobs and Ray Lewis, but this time the spot ends as the two collide and the entire world disintegraties around them (Actually, that might be a kind of cool commercial). Pick: Giants

Philadelphia (-9) at Cincinnati

Chad Ocho Cinco is crediting a pep talk from Donovan McNabb for turning his attitude around earlier in the season. Also thanking McNabb this week:  A once-overweight teenage girl who was recently elected Homecoming Queen after four years worth of Donovan-inspired vomiting. Pick: Eagles

New Orleans (-5.5) at Kansas City

This week’s "No Need To Write A Joke" Quote of the Week.

Tyler Thigpen, when asked about what he said to the ref after an apparent no call on the Chiefs failed game-winning two-point conversion:

“I wasn’t questioning his call, but I was just saying, ‘Why not a penalty there?’ That puts a lot on the ref to throw a flag in their place on a two-point conversion.”

Pick: Saints

Detroit at Carolina (-14)

How bad are things with the Detroit Lions? Even their reporters are shooting blanks! This week, the Detroit Free Press published an in-depth feature about how reserve QB and former Tom Brady-antagonizer Drew Henson was feeling better than he had in a long time. The next day he got cut. Notice the awkward editor’s note in the fourth paragraph. Pick: Panthers

Minnesota at Tampa Bay (-3.5)

Running back Cadillac Williams admits that he really hasn’t followed the NFL much in his year-plus away from the game: "Man, I can’t believe Brady lost his starting job in New England. I always thought that guy was pretty good." Pick: Buccaneers

Arizona (-3) at Seattle

Matt Hasselbeck for Expedia:

"I travel all the time, and now I’m gonna use the travelstrator to show you where to go:

Boston, my home town. Wicked good city. Great restaurants you GOTTA find the Freedom Trail. You follow the Freedom Trail, you go down to Quincy Mahket, you can go out the Nantucket, Cape Cod, Mahtha’s Vinyahd… and then you just keep going. Seriously. You run. You leave Seattle in your rearview and never look back. Ever. You get the hell out of there, you hear me? That city is a SINKING ship. Jesus, please let me stay in Boston… Oh man, we’re not still recording, are we?

Pick: Cardinals 

San Diego at Pittsburgh (-5)

Fast Willie Parker is going to play this week despite a torn labrum in his shoulder. Ladainian Tomlinson is a game-time decision with a hangnail. Pick: Steelers

Cleveland at Buffalo (-5)

Romeo Crennel was insulted by the claims that his Browns quit on him down the stretch last week against the Broncos. "That is an outrage!," RAC said. "They quit on me back in Week 3…" Pick: Bills

RECORD 

Last Week: 9-4
Season: 63-60-4