Speaking at Fenway for the first time since the end of the season, Red Sox DH David Ortiz made a startling announcement yesterday—he’s now the team’s GM.

In addition to acquiring a few stronger arms for the bullpen, Ortiz said the team just needs "another 30-home run guy and we’ll be all set.”

Ortiz also added he plans to install robotic beard groomers in every locker and that team flights will now be MC’d by Daddy Yankee.

When reached at home in Arizona for comment on Ortiz’s remarks, MVP-candidate Dustin Pedroia initially replied, "You know, I don’t get paid to make decisions like, and I don’t think David does either." Upon hearing that Big Papi now apparently does, the fiery second baseman delivered a diatribe not fit for this Internet.

But there’s one big question that GM Ortiz failed touch on: "When you say another 30-homer hitter, you’re talking about Jason Bay right? After all, he’s the only guy who did it last year…

OK, Papi was speaking in the name of a good cause yesterday, and has always been an A+ teammate, so I don’t want to be too critical. In an age where every single athlete gives the same exact answer to every single question, it’s actually refreshing to hear a player openly speak his mind. That being said, nothing good can come from comments like that. It’s not going to effect how Theo does business, it can only irk teammates. We know that Papi’s still pissed off about the way last season ended. He should be. But he should also leave the analysis to Theo