For those of you concerned about weaknesses in the Celtics’ recent play, have no fear. Henry Paulson is on the case and he brings buckets full of money with him to solve the problem. Because Paulson has abandoned his original plan to purchase bad investments from banks, he now has a few hundred billion extra dollars in bailout money to spend elsewhere.

 Rumor has it that Paulson developed a special place in his heart for the Celtics during his undergraduate days at Dartmouth and has now allocated funds to help the men in green in their hour of need. Although the details are still murky, here are just of few of the outlined proposals from the Treasury Department that are intended to cure the recent ails of the Boston Celtics:

$5,000 Specialty Glasses for Doc Rivers

These cutting edge technology glasses will enable the coach to see all the way down to the end of his bench. There he will catch sight of Gabe Pruitt, who is in fact activated, dressed and available to play in games whenever Rajon Rondo falters and/or Eddie House fails to drain his jumpers. The fancy spectacles will also allow Doc to see the scoreboard high above the court, which frequently reflects noteworthy developments during games, such as 19-2 unimpeded runs by the opposing team. Recognition of such developments may prompt Rivers to utilize available timeouts to regroup and coach his team. The government expects a very favorable return to taxpayers on this modest investment.

$6,000,000 Bionic Knee for Tony Allen

At last check, Tony Allen estimated that his right knee was running at 82% of capacity, a disappointing figure to say the least. Paulson believes that the remaining useless 18% has recently caused Allen to shoot like a blind man and make horribly misinformed decisions with the basketball. The new bionic knee, while considered a lofty investment by a few whiny taxpayers, is viewed as the key that finally returns Tony Allen to the form that we witnessed during an entire fourteen game stretch prior to his ACL injury in early 2007. To critics of the plan, Hank Paulson says that you cannot put a price tag on consistency from your backup swingman. Amen, Mr. Central Banker.

$75,000 Magnetic Shoes for Kevin Garnett

This is another example of top-secret government technology that could directly benefit the Celtics. In layman’s terms, tiny pads made of special alloys would be inserted into the soles of Garnett’s sneakers and thus serve as a magnetic pull on the big man toward the metal rims of the baskets. This would move Garnett back inside his shooting range and even encourage him to play more frequently down on the blocks. Such a move is reportedly a high priority to Paulson, who has become deeply concerned with the recent periodic stagnation of the Celtics’ offense.

$100,000 Electro-shock Buzzer Treatment for Rajon Rondo

Although the use of this technology was a well-publicized failure in the treatment of chatty mailman Cliff Clavin, Paulson nonetheless remains optimistic that electroshock therapy would work in motivating Rajon Rondo to shoot open jumpers when offered to him by opposing defenses. Paulson is also reportedly considering the use of the “I must kill the queen” brain chip utilized on Reggie Jackson in The Naked Gun (although Paulson made it clear that he in no way endorses utilizing government technology to assassinate foreign dignitaries).

$30,000,000 Big Man Slush Fund

This comprehensive blanket funding pool would serve to buy out the remaining contracts of Brian Scalabrine and Sam Cassell and likewise provide sufficient capital to lure Antonio McDyess away from Detroit and P.J. Brown away from retirement to fill the open roster spots. While some have expressed concern that such a move would upset the delicate market balance within the NBA, Paulson cites the Alonzo Mourning salary cap exception given to the Miami Heat in 2000 and the tainted series between the Lakers and the Kings in 2002 as league precedents of blatant attempts at unbalance.