Nitpicking 101: How to Properly Criticize a 17-2 Team
Wednesday, December 3, 2008 at 8:14 am ET
When it comes to covering the Celtics, I think we can all agree that there’s only so many creative ways to say, “Boy, these guys are pretty darned good” before it all begins to sound a bit stale. Therefore, I say it’s time to adjust the standards of criticism so we can begin to righteously complain about things again. From this point forward, no infraction or failure will be considered too trivial for commentary. Bearing these new unreasonable standards in mind, I’ve got some serious bones to pick with this current Celtics organization. Here are just a few of the things that are really bugging me these days…
Eddie House’s Socks
I mentioned this last year but the situation has yet to be corrected so it tops the list of grievances yet again. Recently, Eddie’s high sock look has led to rampant speculation across the internet. Is Eddie using the über-socks to protect his legs from Rip Hamilton’s girly fingernails? Is Eddie hiding some ugly knees? Whatever the reason, the long hose are causing a needless distraction out there on the court. Brian Scalabrine, on the other hand, sports a much more pious low sock look. Actually, I’m not even sure if Brian Scalabrine wears socks because they’re tucked in so low. The point is, I think we could all learn a little something from Brian Scalabrine’s prudent sense of fashion.
Coach of the Month Travesty
If you’ve been reading Bill Simmons for the past five years, you already know that Doc Rivers is utterly incompetent. Heck, it’s a minor miracle that Doc Rivers is even able to dress himself in the morning. Now the NBA has seen fit to bestow upon Rivers Coach of the Month honors for November. Great. This will only encourage Doc’s lackeys in the local media to continue praising him for things like coaching the team to a championship and finding the right mix of players to form an effective second unit. You just wait, people. The day will come when everyone will realize that Doc’s apparent hatred of conducting practices and his refusal to call timeouts during bad stretches of play, among his other countless weakness, will lead to the eventual downfall of this team. If you need further evidence, please note that my dad happens to feel very strongly about this.
Rajon Rondo’s Inconsistent Naps
According to a recent entry on Rajon Rondo’s Yardbarker blog, his most recent slump was apparently caused by excessive napping. Said Rondo: “In an effort to get out of my slump, I developed a new pre-game ritual… Instead of napping so long and getting to the game three hours early, now I take a shorter nap and arrive at the arena a little later-I really think it works!” Hmm. I’m going to need a little extra time to process this revelation. Regardless, the next time Rondo gets schooled by Chauncey Billups, the first thing I’ll be thinking is, “This is troublesome. Maybe he needs some work on his nap schedule…”
Back in the day, even when he was doing things like dribbling the ball off his foot and letting the shot clock expire without any awareness, at least we could always count on one thing from the TA: monster dunks. Now, in the wake of his knee injury, when he gets to the basket, he tends to go for the easy lay-in or the pragmatic “slip the ball gingerly over the rim” dunk. This is a slap in the face to Celtics fans who watch SportsCenter and no longer have the astronomical throw-downs of Gerald Green to savor. Let’s hope Tony tries to be a little less selfish going forward.
The Fundamental Unfairness of the T-Shirt Patrol
Yes, I called out these guys last year but the situation still remains so they’ll be stuck on the list until they clean up their act. Notice, next time you attend a game, how the T-Shirt Patrol coldly ignores the poor fans in the blue Club Section seats when they toss about their free clothing. Yes, the Club Section has wait staff service and big comfy blue chairs but what they definitely do not have are complimentary t-shirts. This is because no of the shirt tossers have the arm strength to get their wares up the Club Section and when Lucky unveils his impressive t-shirt cannon, he aims it straight for the nosebleeds and straight over the heads of the poor saps in the blue section. In the sense of highest fairness, I think it goes without saying that rich people deserve free t-shirts too.
To wrap things up, although a 90% winning percentage is nice to have, there is obviously still much work left to be done here. It’s time for the Celtics to get their naps and their affairs in order.
Bill Simmons told me that Doc Rivers uses a bib when he eats.
and thank you for standing up for the well heeled folks in the Club Section… will no one hear their plight?!?!?!
Bill Simmons says Doc kicks puppies. Not because he’s mean, mind you, but because he thinks they look like footballs. When will they fire this man?!?!
Why can’t the Celtics pour on the points and blow people out by the 3rd quarter so we can see Scalabrine, Patrick O’Bryant, and Gabe Pruitt get some serious burn?
With regard to playing time, why is Doc being so stingy with the playing time of his young starter Rondo with only 30 mpg - is it because the naps have been too long, too short? They need to get that straigtened out so Rondo get 35 minutes - he is only 22 years old after all - and he’s playing less than the old guys Pierce and Ray Allen who get 35 mpg. Something’s not right!
I want a main man to get this team a more singluar identity - it’s is getting too cumbersome to refer to this team by having to write down Pierce AND Ray Ray AND Garnett AND now even Rondo. The Cavs or the Lakers can just say it’s “insert superstar here’’s” team - they have it easy.
Paul Pierce is getting entirely too much love on this team too - he used to be at least a little bit controversial, now you have everyone idolizing this guy from SI to the Boston Herald - enough! Where were you guys a couple of years ago?
And from the anxiety side of things - who’s going to steal Tom Thibodeau away from the Celtics - it’s going to happen, who, when, where - those team giving their head coach early pink slips better keep their grubby paws off of our defensive ace!
I also want to add that above all else, things started to go bad when they decided to hire the Celtics Dancers. Clearly, this has placed a long-lasting jinx on the Celtics that will result in a perpetual state of fashion-impairment. Forget Eddie House’s sleeve socks, Paul Pierce wore a brown belt with black shoes the other day, and Kevin Garnett failed to notice that his fly was unzipped during a charity event recently. OH THE HUMANITY!!!
NOW THAT’S GOOD WRITING!
KEEP IT UP, BRUTHA!
Great read, I really enjoyed it.