In an unprecedented move in statistical record keeping, David Stern announced approval today of the logging of the very first Team Assist in NBA history. The recipients are the NBA Champion Boston Celtics.

It signals the advent of a slightly enlarged definition of what constitutes an assist in the Official NBA Scorekeepers Handbook.

"Newly revised editions of the handbook are being ordered as we speak,’ says Commissioner Stern. They will incorporate the new language. More important, it will note the first awarding of a Team Assist, based upon the obvious role that first playing the Celtics played in helping help the next team win, that a Celtics’ opponent plays.

It will to be referred to as the Knick Roll Over Rule. Also called the Knick Grasp ‘N Gasp Rule, or the One Then Done Rule, it properly designates the role the Celtics played in delivering a semi-conscious oxygen assisted, marshmallow soft Knick team to the Oklahoma City Thunder a full two days later.

After completely expending all of their energy playing incredible defense against the Celtics, something the Knicks’ have not been witnessed to do since the Pat Riley days, they were delivered in partially sedated form to the struggling OKC Thunder.

It allowed the Thunder to beat the Knicks, 107-99, for just their 5^th win this season against 30 losses.

‘Yes. It is a first. But after looking at the evidence and circumstances surrounding both the Knicks’ miracle win over the Celtics and their subsequent loss to the Oklahoma City club, it was an easy decision. The proper credit was given."

After review of game film from the Knicks victory over the Celtics and the Knicks following loss to the lowly Oklahoma City Thunder, Stern made his decision. He said it was obvious that the Knicks were so obsessed with beating their hated rival, the Boston Celtics at any cost, even to the point of playing defense, it took more than everything they had and must be noted.

"It wasn’t just defense. It was excellent, terrific defense with amazing energy. The Knicks just don’t do that’, related the league’s head honcho. "Did I mention it that they played it with…. energy?"

Even Knick players agreed anonymously…. "Yeah, We probably won’t win again until February. I know I checked myself into the hospital ER for fluids and some monitored R&R. but it was worth it. I can tell my kids I beat the @#@&*! Celtics."

Said another, "Yep. We normally run and down the court, but this side to side stuff, and doubling down and such, that was totally new. So that’s how you play defense. I always wondered."

Even Oklahoma City star Kevin Durant acknowledged the role the Celtics played in the OKC win over the Knicks, "Oh, definitely. We can’t beat a good college team when they’re having a bad day, let alone an up and coming NBA team like the Knicks. Thanks Boston."

"We thought they forgot to have coffee, or had been to an all night party the night before. When I saw how they played against the Celtics, it all became clear," he added.

Chris Wilcox added, "I hope every team plays the Celtics like that and we play them the next day or so. We would be undefeated or close to it. Well, maybe I just mean the Knicks. They can’t do that. That’s like never practicing for a marathon, running one, and then trying to run the next few days. You can’t do it. A two year old will outrun you. Thanks Boston."

Doc Rivers agreed but downplayed the new assist, "That was just crazy. Who were those guys? That was a D’Antoni coached team? I’d rather have the win than the assist. The assist doesn’t get us anything."

The only dissenting voice came from Knick Coach Mike D’Antoni saying, "What is this? We can too play defense like that! We just did!"

When asked if they can play defense like more than, say, twice in a single season, D’Antoni simply thought about it a minute and then said, "Next Question."

While there was some discussion by the Rules Committee about the extra day delay before actually playing the Knicks’ next game, it was agreed unanimously that it did take that much out of them.

‘That was OKC that beat them," offered a committee member who requested that his name be withheld.

Breaking news: This just in…Charlotte Bobcats lay down for Cavaliers: 111-81. Celtics being considered for another assist. Cleveland Coach Mike Brown exercises veto power.

Remember, this story was completely and totally true. We now return you to Fantasy Island reruns.