Somewhere out there along the space time continuum, there exists a world where my parents almost never kissed and my best friend is a 60-year old weirdo named Doc. In this world, it is March 24, 2008, and I’ve just been given today’s newspaper.

Where I live, the season’s yet to start, but this is how it will play out. I see that with only a month left to play, the Red Sox are firmly in playoff contention. The year has been a success and here are the stats that absolutely blow my mind:

Kevin Youkilis is the team leader in average, home runs and RBI

Dustin Pedroia has as many stolen bases as Julio Lugo, more homers than Mike Lowell, more doubles than Papi and Tek combined and more at bats than any major leaguer other than Jose Reyes and Ichiro

Josh Beckett and Clay Buchholz have a combined 18 losses; Dice-K and Lester, a combined four.

And while we’re at it, players with more wins than Clay Buchholz: Lester, Wakefield, Beckett, Dice-K, Papelbon, Okajima, Aardsma, Masterson and Timlin.

JD Drew is eighth in the majotrs in On-Base Percentage.

The Red Sox are second in the American League in stolen bases but sixth in homers.

Jason Varitek and Jed Lowrie would have 36 and 32 RBI, respectively… in 108 and 52 games, respectively.

Varitek and Jason Bay have scored 32 and 22 runs, respectively… in 108 and 23 games, respectively.