All picks are made against the spread.

Baltimore at Dallas (-4)

Ravens cornerback Frank Walker denies that he spit on Steelers punter Mitch Berger during last week’s loss to Pittsburgh, but says that he would have if Berger hadn’t "jumped out of the way so damn fast." Pick: Cowboys

Miami (-4) at Kansas City

If they’re going to make the playoffs, the warm weather Dolphins are going to have to win in two very cold cities. If you’re looking for Ricky Williams in the Miami huddle, he’ll be the guy blowing his breath out in rings. Pick: Chiefs

Pittsburgh (-2) at Tennessee

Titans cornerback Cortland Finnegan is considering taking a boat to the Pro Bowl this year because he’s too afraid to fly. In order to get there by game time, Finnegan’s scheduled to leave next Thursday. Pick: Steelers

Arizona at New England (-8)

This week, Kurt Warner revealed that he’s sent a series of written notes to Bill Belichick over his career. There were congratulatory notes sent after the Super Bowl XXXVI and the 16-0 regular, and another after Belichick’s divorce which read, "Will you go out with me? Check Yes, No, or Maybe. Pick: Cardinals

San Diego at Tampa Bay (-3.5)

Buccaneers DE Greg White has officially changed his name to Greg Q. Stylez, after one of Michael J. Fox’s friends in Teen Wolf. In a related story, Ladainian Tomlinson has changed his name to Mallory Keaton. Pick: Bucs

Cincinnati at Cleveland (-3)

Another week, another payday. Onto the picks

(All picks are made against the spread) 

New England (-7) at Oakland

This week’s "No Need to Write a Joke, Statistic of the Week"

The Patriots have won 21 games in the month of December since 2003. The Raiders have won 22 games total since 2003.

Pick: Patriots

Green Bay (-1.5) at Jacksonville

With the defensive unit battling through injuries, the Packers are looking for AJ Hawk to raise his game down the stretch… or to at the very least show them some naked pictures of Brady Quinn’s sister. Pick: Packers

Detroit at Indianapolis (-17)

This week, the Colts signed much traveled running back Najeh Davenport to bolster their beat up backfield. Davenport hopes to get a chance to unveil his own version of the Lambeau Leap: The Lucas Oil Watch Me Take A Dump In That Chick’s Laundry Basket Extravaganza. Pick: Lions

Washington (-7) at Cininnati

When asked about any adjustments the Redskins might making moving forward this season, Clinton Portis had this to say in a Monday radio interview.

"We got a genius for a head coach, I don’t know, I’m sure he on top of things. He’s got everything figured out."

At first I thought he was being serious, but lucky for me, I was standing next to the foreign guy at work who helps me understand sarcasm:

FOREIGN GUY AT WORK: Ahahooooo!!! Yes!

Let’s get right into it. As always, all picks are made against the spread (and all picks are awesome)

Cincinnati at Indianapolis (-13.5)

A story in this week’s Cincinnati Enquirer claims that it was injuries that upset the balance of the Bengals season. The Enquirer later ran a correction:

"Yesterday a story in our paper claimed that the Bengals season was upset by injuries. While that is, in part, true, we’d like to clarify that our reporter accidentally omitted the following other reasons:

Bad players
Bad coach
Bad owners
Bad chemistry
Bad morals
Multiple arrests

Thank you."

Pick: Colts

NY Jets (-4) at San Francisco

A recent report stated that Brett Favre’s No. 4 Jets jersey is the No. 1 selling jersey in the league, ahead of Tony Romo, Eli Manning, Adrian Peterson and Marion Barber. In a related story, the new No. 1 selling NFL novelty item is the Mike Singletary "Talk To My Butthole" Bobblehead. PIck: Niners

Jacksonville at Chicago (-6.5)

Fred Taylor enters this game needing only 17 yards and one double murder to pass OJ Simpson on the all-time NFL Rushing list. Pick: Bears

St. Louis at Arizona (-14)

This week’s "No Need To Write A Joke" Link of the Week

Pick: Rams

Cleveland at Tennessee (-14)

Vince Young missed practice this week with an infected cuticle on his thumb. Apparently Jeff Fisher was being literal a couple weeks a go when he told Young to "Stop sitting around with your thumb up your ass and get back to practice!" Pick: Titans

A 2-1 Thanksgiving was good. A 12-1 Sunday and Monday would be great.

Let’s be heroes.

(All picks are made against the spread) 

Denver at NY Jets (-7.5)

(Brett Favre and Eric Mangini walk hand and hand across the field at Gillette Stadium.)

FAVRE: You remember this place?

MANGINI: (smiling) This is where we first met.

(They approach a shady looking equipment closet in the back of the Jets’ lockeroom)

FAVRE: How about this one?

MANGINI: (gushing) Our first kiss.

(They’re now in the middle of a romantic picnic down on Favre’s farm in Mississippi)

MANGINI: I don’t remember this place… (shrieks, as he turns around sees Brett on one knee)

FAVRE: You will.

Pick: Jets 

(MANGINI: This is where I said yes.)

San Francisco at Buffalo (-7)

Does anyone really care about this one? Well, except for maybe Chris Berman, who’ll be watching from his Countdown dressing room with a bucket of KFC and a jar of Jergens.

TOM JACKSON: Whatcha doin in there, Boom?

KEYSHAWN JOHNSON: Damn, TJ. Leave the man alone with his Jergens!

CRIS CARTER: AIn’t nothin’ wrong with no Jergens!

MIKE DITKA: You guys ever try Cialis?

BERMAN: (faintly, from inside the dressing room): I could… go… all… the… WAY!

Pick: Bills

New Orleans at Tampa Bay (-3.5)

BUCCANEER TEAM MEETING

Here’s a quick one for tomorrow’s games. The rest of the picks will be posted on Friday. Happy Thanksgiving!

Tennessee (-11) at Detroit

It’s hard to imagine an NFL team finishing a season 0-16, then again, it’s harder to imagine the Lions winning another game. After the Titans, Detroit’s remaining schedule looks like this:

Week 14: Minnesota

Week 15: @ Indianapolis

Week 16: New Orleans

Week 17: @ Green Bay

A Daunte Culpepper/Vikings revenge game seems like their best bet… especially once Culpepper finds out that his favorite Twin Cities stripper is now dating Gus Frerotte.

Pick: Titans

Seattle at Dallas (-12.5)

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—LAST SUNDAY

REPORTER: Hey, Terrell, congrats on a great game! So tell me, what’s more satisfying: Reaching 200 yards receiving, or the fact that you guys won the game?

TERRELL OWENS: (confused) Wow, I gotta be honest here… I didn’t even realize we won. I mean, come on, man. I just got 200 yards! Who’s got time to think about anything else. So yeah, I’m gonna say the 200.

Pick: Cowboys

Arizona at Philadelphia (-3)

A surprised Donovan McNabb shows up to practice to find all his teammates in uniform. "What? So now we’re playing games on Thursdays!!?? Any other rule changes you guys want to tell me about while I’m here?" Pick: Eagles

RECORD 

Last Week: 9-6
Season: 80-73-4

In honor of Week 12, I’m vowing to win 12 games. Vow, I say.

(As always, all picks are made against the spread.)

NY Jets at Tennessee (-5)

JIM NANTZ: Hello, folks, and welcome back to Tennessee, where after a punt, the Titans have taken over the ball on their own 30.

PHIL SIMMS: Wow, Jim. Take a look at that. I mean I’ve seen some things in this league, but I’ve never seen this. For some reason, Titans running back LenDale White is lining up at cornerback for the Jets.

NANTZ: Phil, that’s Ty Law…

SIMMS: Woah, really?

NANTZ: Yeah, I know, right?

Pick: Titans

New England at Miami (-1)

In what many think was  an act of gamesmanship, the Dolphins released their injury report on Thursday without ONE player listed as missing any time. Bill Belichick responded today by listing every single Patriot on the injury report. Unfortunately, it had nothing to do with getting back at Miami. Pick: Patriots

Houston at Cleveland (-3)

During last Monday’s game against the Bills, Browns GM Phil Savage received an angry email from a fan, and naturally, responded with "Go root for Buffalo— f@#* you."

A couple days later, Savage apologized for the email. "Yeah, I’ve definitely got to apologize," he said. "What I should have written was:

‘Go root for Buffalo—f@#* you, you f@#*ing piece of s*#@!

Bite Me,

Macho Man Phil Savage"

What better way to ease the pain of a heartbreaking overtime loss than with a batch of money-making NFL Picks!!

Yeah, not making me feel any better either…

(As always, all picks are made against the spread)

Denver at Atlanta (-6.5)

Falcons defensive tackle Grady Jackson is suing a supplement maker which he claims caused his positive drug test. When coach Mike Smith suggested that the lawsuit might be a little frivolous, Jackson grew frantic:

JACKSON: Well, would it be possible to sue you people?

SMITH: Sue me? Why would you sue me? What are talking you about?

JACKSON: Punitive damages.

SMITH: Yeah, but why would you sue me?

JACKSON: I don’t know, sue everybody!

Pick: Falcons

Oakland at Miami (-10.5)

Interim head coach Tom Cable takes over play calling duties in Oakland this week, marking the first time this season the Raiders will call plays. Pick: Dolphins

Houston at Indianapolis (-8.5)

The last time these two teams met, QB Sage Rosenfels barfed up a 17-point lead in the final five minutes. Said Rosenfels on Thursday: "This week I vow to start sucking a lot earlier." Pick: Texans

Dallas (-1.5) at Washington

Speaking to a crew of reporters yesterday, Jerry Jones said that he still absolutely believes that the Cowboys will make the playoffs: 

REPORTER: Jerry, what in the world are you basing that on? Are you maybe just living in denial?