Somewhere out there along the space time continuum, there exists a world where my parents almost never kissed and my best friend is a 60-year old weirdo named Doc. In this world, it is March 24, 2008, and I’ve just been given today’s newspaper.

Where I live, the season’s yet to start, but this is how it will play out. I see that with only a month left to play, the Red Sox are firmly in playoff contention. The year has been a success and here are the stats that absolutely blow my mind:

Kevin Youkilis is the team leader in average, home runs and RBI

Dustin Pedroia has as many stolen bases as Julio Lugo, more homers than Mike Lowell, more doubles than Papi and Tek combined and more at bats than any major leaguer other than Jose Reyes and Ichiro

Josh Beckett and Clay Buchholz have a combined 18 losses; Dice-K and Lester, a combined four.

And while we’re at it, players with more wins than Clay Buchholz: Lester, Wakefield, Beckett, Dice-K, Papelbon, Okajima, Aardsma, Masterson and Timlin.

JD Drew is eighth in the majotrs in On-Base Percentage.

The Red Sox are second in the American League in stolen bases but sixth in homers.

Jason Varitek and Jed Lowrie would have 36 and 32 RBI, respectively… in 108 and 52 games, respectively.

Varitek and Jason Bay have scored 32 and 22 runs, respectively… in 108 and 23 games, respectively.

Loser of the Week Clay Buchholz

It’s not that much fun to take jabs at Clay Buchholz anymore. The kid’s hit rock bottom. We could mess around a couple of weeks ago because even though he was struggling, I think we all assumed he’d still turn things around. He like was a pledge in the fraternity of Red Sox Nation. We’d haze him now, and embrace him later. But at this point, you have to start wondering we’re he’s going. 

I’d say that maybe the no-hitter clouded everyone’s expectations a little bit—and to an extent it probably did—but regardless of that, Buchholz was considered a blue chip prospect. He wasn’t the Cardinals’ Bud Smith or Jose Jimenez—dudes who came out of no where, tossed a no-no and disappeared like Wilton Veras. Clay’s no-hitter was just supposed to be a stepping stone, but maybe it was merely the lone highlight of a underachieving career. Not giving up on yet, but putting my expectations on a short leash.

Note: Jimenez threw his no-hitter against the Diamondbacks (a 1-0 win for the Cards) on June 25, and then two weeks later, shut down Arizona again, giving up only two hits in another complete game (which St. Louis also won 1-0). Pretty ridiculous, but even crazier is that Randy Johnson was on the short end of both 1-0 losses, and In those two games, put up this stat line:

17 innings (2 CGs), 9 hits, 2 ER, 6 BB, 26 K

The pool to choose from is every Red Sox player of the last 20 years. Your mission? Construct the most devastating and efficient five-man bar brawl team imagination can buy. Who’s on your squad? Here’s one potential roster.

Mike Greenwell 

When a guy reaches a level of badass where he routinely spends his time beating the piss out of alligators, he’s coming to war with me. You can’t teach that sort of maneuvering, intensity and feistiness.

And for some ridiculous reason, I can’t picture Greenwell in a bar fight without him wearing Van Damme’s outfit from the famous Kickboxer dance scene.

I’m pretty sure the Gator still wears this kind of crap around town down in Florida.

Julian Tavarez

Tavarez is without a doubt the "Escalator Guy" of any bar fight.

Escalator Guy is the kid who sees one his buddies talking trash with some meathead at the bar, and even though, if he left it alone, the scene would probably fizzle without any bloodshed, Escalator Guy gets too fired up, grabs the bridge from under the pool table and smashes it over someone’s head. Insanity ensues. That’s Julian.

Why do you want Escalator Guy on your side? Because if he’s not, then he’s on the other side, and pool cues hurt.

As an added bonus, it’ll be pretty intimidating for the other crew when they think they’re fighting against the bad guy from Last of the Mohicans. 

Thoughts from a week that taught us that Manny’s even weirder than we thought…

Red Sox Stats Pack of the Week (Now with subheads!)

Surprising Stat of the Week:

Dice-K’s averaging only 98.8 pitches per start this season. How can that be? I would’ve guessed it was at least up around 300.

That 98.8 is a little deceiving though. In his starts right before being place on the DL (66) and right after being activated (48), Dice-K threw… um, eight plus six, carry the one… only 114 total pitches. If you take those two starts away, his average pitch count bumps up to 104.3. That looks a little better, although I still figured it would be higher.

Dice K Bonus Stat: Dice-K has given up only five homeruns in 95 innings this season, while fellow countryman Hideki Okajima his allowed four dongs in a mere 39.

Asked what his secret was to keeping the ball in the park, Dice-K replied (through a translator): "I don’t know how to throw strikes."

Warning Sign Stat of the Week:

JD Drew is 3 for 21 since the All-Star break.

Note: Although, in his defense, he was robbed of a homerun by Ichiro on Wednesday afternoon.

Note 2: I get caught off-guard almost every time the Red Sox play a random midweek afternoon game. I never realize it’s on until at least the second inning.

Troubling Stat of the Week: