Rich Levine: Adam, now that Doc seems dedicated to playing Rondo without Cassell-related interruptions, I feel like the Celtics chances are better than ever. As a Clevelander, where do you stand?

Adam Cole-Kelly: You know, it was intimidating enough going up against the Big Three, but i don’t know how we’re going to handle it now that Rondo has made it the… Bigger Four? Or is it the Four Leaf Scorers? Or maybe Rayjon Piernett? Whatever we call them, we’re going to have as much trouble containing them as I did coming up with a suitable nickname, and that’s a real double whammy. Rajon’s teardrops are so pretty and painful that they bring tear drops to my eyes.

RL: How would you rate your confidence level going into Game 6?

ACK: I’m gonna say a solid 7.5. The Cavs were great the first two games at home and until Boston proves capable of winning on the road, it doesn’t seem like they’re a smart bet. To make a topical reference, I’ve seen Ugos that have looked better on the road than the Celtics have this post season, and there’s no way Kevin Garnett can keep up his 100-percent shooting from the field, right? As much as it hurts my heart that Daniel Gibson won’t be available, I see Sasha Pavlovic stepping up with a big game or Damon Jones if he sees the floor.

RL: So you think they win tonight, but is there any chance on Sunday?

ACK: I see the Cavs coming through tonight for no other reason than that it will allow Cleveland fans to maintain a false sense of hope for a couple more days. Game 7 will be close down the stretch until Casey Blake will ground into a double play, make an error, and then Coco Crisp will finish the series off with a monstrous dunk… Make it stop!!

RL: If the Cavs do lose, which Cleveland/Boston choke job will it best resemble? When the Indians blew the 2-0 series lead in 1999 or the 3-1 lead last year?

ACK: I thought we were friends… Why are you doing this? All I know is that it will be a cruel twist of faith if the Celtics summon Troy O’Leary into the game at any point.

(It should be noted that at this point, Adam’s voice started cracking and I’m almost positive I heard sobbing.)

RL: Are you crying?

ACK: No, I’m just in the rain. Those are rain drops on my face! Rajon just hit another tear drop!! This interview is over.

Dial Tone.

The pecking order in the American League East has been more or less undisturbed for a decade. It’s pretty much gone Yankees, Red Sox, Blue Jays, Orioles, Devil Rays. Sure, the Red Sox have won two World Series titles in the last four years, and some of the bottom feeders have swapped musical chairs, but the Yankees won the division title every single year from 1998 to 2006, while the Red Sox finished second from 1998 to 2005. In short, no team besides New York or Boston has been a legitimate threat in the American League East since Jeffrey Maier was in grammar school. Now it’s mid May and the Yankees are in last, the Rays are first, the Earth has tottered off its axis, and I don’t know who I’m supposed to be rooting for.

First off, I know I’m supposed to be rooting for the Red Sox, since I’m a Boston fan and that’s what fans do. But for years (lifetimes, even), the next-best thing to a Red Sox’ win has been a Yankees’ loss. It’s hard to de-program yourself from thinking that way. So yesterday, when I saw that the Rays and Scott Kazmir were beating the Yankees and Ian Kennedy, I thought, “Awesome, the Yankees are losing. The Sox aren’t even playing today, but at least the Yankees are losing.” It took me a moment to remember that the Rays were in first place (and looking damn legit this year) while the Yankees have been sniffing butts (and seem content in doing so).

As a Sox fan whose team trailed the Rays by a half game before yesterday’s action, I’ve come to the conclusion that I certainly should have been rooting for the Yankees. Not just because I want my team to be as close to first place at all times. But because I genuinely believe that the Rays are a better team than the Yankees, and thus I want them to lose as much as possible.

Earlier this season David Pinto of The Sporting News wrote a seemingly kooky article, saying the Rays had the best pitching staff in the American League East. At the time, the notion seemed quaint (and wrong). Yet right now the Rays have a better team ERA than the Red Sox or Yankees. Moreover, it’s not even close. The Rays have the third-best ERA (3.64) in the American League, trailing only Toronto and Oakland. Meanwhile, the Sox and Yankees (and all their “great” young pitchers) are toiling in the middle of the pack, with 4.25 and 4.26 ERAs, respectively. Luckily for the Red Sox, they’re hitting a Major League-leading .294 as a team, and lead the A.L. in runs scored. The Yankees, meanwhile, are hitting .258 as a team and sit in 10th place in runs scored in the junior circuit. At base, they’re an all-around average team right now.

Listen, I’m not about to throw dirty on the Yankees’ grave, because they simply have too many resources to be counted out this early in the season. That said, it looks like it’s time to adjust my thinking about the American League East. The Rays look poised for a breakout season, while the Orioles have the capability to pester and nag all year. Meanwhile, Toronto is only one game under .500 – and a half game ahead of the last-place Yankees.

I know, I know, the Yankees were dead and buried last year, too, before they summoned the will to rise off the mat, make a sick second-half run, and get embarrassed in the playoffs for the fourth straight year. But do they have that in them again? Maybe they do, maybe they don’t. One thing’s for certain, however: The next-best thing to a Red Sox’ win isn’t necessarily a Yankees’ loss. Not anymore.

One thing I have to say is that the Boston Red Sox should buy space on the front and back pages of every newspaper in this city and issue a thank you to the individuals in charge of the Spygate “probe” trash. Because if Spygate wasn’t the main topic these days, the Sox would be getting lambasted by every media outlet in New England, thought I’d drop a hint.

We all know the Sox dropped both games in their pressure packed two-game series with the Orioles, so I thought I’d make this short and sweet, just like the breathing room the Sox will have once the C’s and Spygate drop from the headlines. Viva la Lowrie!

First of all, Hansen had just battled Brian Roberts in a great at-bat. Sure, Roberts had worked a walk, but it’s not like Hansen’s control was all over the place. Roberts kept fouling off good pitches.

Hansen came into the game and allowed a single to the catcher, then fought Roberts to a full count. Ultimately, the payoff pitch barely missed, Roberts walked, and Hansen was in line to face Jay Payton, a righty, with the bases loaded. Hansen, whose role in the bullpen has obviously taken on greater importance with the departure of Julian Tavarez, needed to get out of this situation – for his long-term confidence and, in turn, the long-term benefit of the team. Instead, replacement coach Brad Mills takes out Hansen, replaces him with Okajima, and Payton hits a grand slam. I don’t know what the statistics say about bringing in a cold pitcher with the bases loaded, but I’m pretty sure they suck. Why? Because the guy is cold, so he wants to be sure to get the ball over the plate. Well, Okajima certainly succeeded in that – it was a big fat leg of lamb and Payton gnawed it off and tossed it.

In the end, Brad Mills succeeded in harming the confidence of two pitchers, when he had the opportunity to buoy the spirits of one who really needed it – and one who really wasn’t struggling. It doesn’t bother me that he took out a right-handed pitcher and replaced him with a lefty with a right-handed batter coming up, since Okajima is equally adept at getting out lefties and righties. What bothers me is that the Red Sox had the opportunity to build confidence in Craig Hansen, but Brad Mills hit the panic button and brought a cold reliever into a bases-loaded situation, when Hansen didn’t need to be replaced. If the guy has to take the freaking loss, man, let him lose the game.

Adam Cole-Kelly: I don’t know if you guys ever buy stuff on ebay but I just scored a pretty sweet item recently: A fully functioning time machine. Amazingly my last minute bid of $45 did the trick. I guess most people were skeptical of its legitimacy. Suckers! Anyway, I just got it up and running this morning and my first order of business was clearly heading straight to tonight’s post-game press conference. When I got there I was saddened to discover that the Celtics had won Game 5 (being a foolish Cavs fan and all) so I returned to present day then went back to the press conference for a second time and lo and behold the Cavs had triumphed! Lucky for you all I captured excerpts from each press conference visit and would like to share them with you now. Also, I brought your faithful columnist Rich Levine along with me because I wanted to focus on Coach Brown’s comments and I figured he would be interested in what Doc had to say.

And don’t worry great-great-uncle Wilkes Booth- I’ll be setting the dial to 1865 and helping you cover your tracks better in no time! What?

Now to recap what we learned thanks to our ability to time travel!

Excerpts from press conference after Celtics won Game 5

Mike Brown (as heard by ACK)

“Branson Wright, Cleveland Plain Dealer. Coach Brown, LeBron’s offensive struggles obviously continued tonight- what can you guys do differently in game 6 to get him back on track?”

Mike Brown: “I don’t know Branson, but if you have any bright ideas, I’ll certainly take ‘em. (It should be noted that Coach Brown was the only person laughing in the room at this point.) I mean Lebron’s been taking shots he’s capable of hitting, and he’s been contributing in ways other than scoring, but clearly (looking down at box score) missing 17 shots from the field and 6 shots from the line is too many misses. But LeBron’s a terrific, terrific, player, and I’m sure he’ll come through for us Friday night and hopefully lead us back here for a deciding game.

Brian Windhorst, ESPN. Coach, would you talk about Z’s minutes. He was probably the most consistent offensive player the first 3 games of the series and since then he’s seen his minutes significantly reduced, particularly in the 4th quarter tonight when you guys couldn’t really get anything going.

MB: “Well Brian, I really liked the way Joe and Andy played in the 4th quarter in game 4 and given the lineup Boston had out there, I thought they matched up best, defensively. So I had the guys out there I wanted, we just didn’t get the job done on offense, like we would’ve liked to. And maybe Z helps us score more, maybe he doesn’t. The bottom line is when you only score 11 points in the 4th quarter you’re not going to win many ballgames. You gotta credit Boston’s defense too, they did a heckuva job as they have all series talking away LeBron’s drive, drawing a few charges on him and also getting out to contest our shooters who weren’t knocking down their outside shots like they have throughout this series.

Patrick McManamon. Coach, Eddie House provided a huge spark off the bench for the Celtics with 14 points. It seemed like you guys didn’t really have an answer for him during that 3rd quarter run they made. Can you talk a bit about that?

MB: Eddie’s always been a terrific streak shooter. He hasn’t played much in this series until tonight, but he was certainly prepared and he stepped up and knocked down several big shots. As far as our defense on him, I think we were a little slow to adjust. We’ve been doing a lot of doubling and sagging off of the 1, especially Rondo, and Eddie made us pay for that.

Doc Rivers (as heard by RL):

“Marc Spears, Boston Globe, Doc, you gave Rondo a public vote of confidence after practice yesterday, saying that he did all the right things Monday night, and that you thought it was his best game of the series. Then Rajon comes out tonight playing with the poise and confidence that we were accustomed to in the regular season. Are you starting to see just how much this young guy is affected by the way you privately and publicly express your opinion on his performance.”

DR: “I’ve been in Rajon’s postion. The Hawks made the playoffs my rookie season. I wasn’t starting yet, but played significant and when I made a mistake, the Czar Mike Fratello let me hear about it. I made me a better point guard and I know it will do the same for Rajon. I can’t change the way I am with him.”

“Steve Bulpett, Boston Herald, Coach you guys dominated tonight, but that’s nothing new when you’re playing in the Garden, How important is this game on Friday now? I mean, even though you lost Game 6 in Atlanta, there was no way in hell the Hawks would win Game 7 in Boston, but with Cleveland, as long as Lebron is on the floor, they have the potential to win any game under any circumstances.”

DR: “Steve, we did a lot of great things tonight. We were really clicking offensively for the first time since the Game 7 you mentioned and guys like Ray, Paul and Perk-who have had their share of problems in this series-really seem to be hitting stride. Winning Game 6 means more than just putting away the Cavs, it means that we’ll be able to head into the Conference Finals with a road win under our belt. And if by some reason we do lose on Friday, I wouldn’t worry too much about Lebron (gets sinister look on his face and begins twiddling his fingers…)”

“John Tomase, Boston Herald, Coach Rivers, any truth to the rumor that your win tonight is attributed to the fact that you bugged the Cavs charter, hacked into Mike Brown’s hard drive and stole his game plan? Also, will you be finishing that sandwich?”

DR: “Yes, John. I’ll be finishing my sandwich.”

JT: “I’m gonna go ahead and assume that “yes” was in reference to both questions (pulls cape over body, and disappears into a cloud of smoke…)”

Excerpts from press conference after Cavs won Game 5

Mike Brown (as heard by ACK)

“Bill Rabinowitz, Columbus-Dispatch. Coach Brown, everybody’s been wondering if LeBron would have a breakout game this series, but I don’t think anybody expected anything quite like this. You’ve seen him do some amazing things, where does this performance rank in your mind?”

MB: (Coach Brown smiles, shakes his head incredulously, searches for words) “Wow. I mean, I know I shouldn’t be surprised by anything he does anymore, but wow. Game 5 in Detroit last year was pretty special, but tonight his overall game, not just scoring the basketball, was probably more dominant tonight. I mean, if you combine his blocks and steals, he was one away from a quadruple double. If this isn’t #1, it’s definitely 1a.”

“Kenny Roda, WKNR Once again Andy seemed to shut down KG in the 4th quarter, talk about his defensive effort tonight.”

MB: “Andy’s done a remarkable job, the past two games. I can’t say enough about what he’s done for us. His ability to lock down Kevin one on one, really allowed us to be more aggressive doubling Ray and Pierce which helped contain those guys as well. Now I don’t want him to get any ideas after he banked in that 3, but defensively speaking, I hope he continues to do the exact same thing he’s been doing the past few games.”

“Adam Cole-Kelly, Wicked Good Sports. Coach, would you be willing to plug a website for me if I could offer you access to a time machine? And if the answer is yes, please tell everybody how comprehensive and entertaining the sports coverage is on wickedgoodsports.com, especially Rich Levine and Adam Cole-Kelly on this Cavs-Celts series.”

MB: “Funny you should mention that site, I’ve been checking wickedgoodsports.com religiously throughout this series for its unparalleled excellence with respect to covering this series. Not only have I taken strategic cues from your keen basketball insights, but I’ve read some hilarious excerpts from several posts aloud to the team before games to get the guys in a happy, loose frame of mind. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go with Adam to the summer of 2010 and find out if LeBron stays in Cleveland or if need to start looking for a new job.”

Doc Rivers (as heard by RL):

“Chris Sheridan, ESPN, Coach Rivers, Sam Cassell played 28 minutes tonight, and while he did hit his first three-pointer, he missed his next seven and was burned by Delonte West on several occasions. I know that Danny picked up Sam specifically for the playoffs, but does that necessarily mean that you have to play him regardless of match-ups or performance?”

DR: “Wow, 28 minutes? I didn’t realize he was even out there for that long. Sam’s just such a pro out there and when he’s on the court I guess I sometimes get caught up in the confidence he exhibits and forget all together that we have both a young stud point guard, and a quicker, more deadly shooting guard wasting away on the bench, I’m only human guys. Maybe that’s something to look at for Game 6.”

“Bob Ryan, Boston Globe, Doc I’d first like to point out that this series is very reminiscent of when the Celtics lost the Eastern Conference semifinals in seven game to the 76ers back in 1977. Ah, those were the days. The Garden was rocking. The players respected the game more and it was more competitive than anything you see nowadays. But I digress, you’re team has yet to win a road playoff game and now your season rests on your ability to do just that. Talk about the adjustments you’ll need to make on Friday.”

DR: “Bob, I’m not sure exactly what you’re referring to when you say “adjustments.” We have a team of veteran, battle-tested veterans, and if they aren’t able to make these “adjustments” themselves, and block out all the difficulties that arise from playing big time playoff games on the road. I’m not sure what I can do. Game 6 is going to come down to the play of our stars. If Kevin, Paul and Ray aren’t able to step up, this really might be out of my hands.”

“Rich Levine, Wicked Good Sports and the Improper Bostonian, Doc, nothing you’ve said so far has made me feel any better about our chances on Friday…”

DR: “No further questions.”

The team did not disclose contract details.

Kobasew had career highs of 22 goals, 17 assists and 39 points in 73 games this past season. He finished second on the team in goals to Marco Sturm , who had 27.

Kobasew missed the playoffs with a fractured left leg. The Bruins were eliminated in the first round by the Montreal Canadiens in seven games. He was drafted with the 14th overall pick in 2001 by Calgary, which traded him to Boston on Feb. 10, 2007.

Copyright 2008 by The Associated Press

Financially the Bruins can give Hossa what he wants. Word is that Hossa could get as much as $8 million per season for a five-year deal, or more. With the $4.1 million salary of ex-Bruin Alexei Zhamnov ending, and the NHL salary cap expected to rise $4 million to $5 million, the B’s would have nearly $10 million available to spend. The Bruins have almost $39 million committed for the 2008-09 season and the NHL’s salary cap is expecting to rise to approximately $53 million. Boston could free up even more money if they dumped Glen Murray and his $4.15 million cap hit.

Speculation that Hossa could become an unrestricted free agent this summer was risen by a report claiming the Penguins won’t try very hard to re-sign him. This is not shocking considering that Pittsburgh is loaded with home grown youthful super stars who will be taking the Hossa dollars away from Pittsburgh. It’s believed Penguins management will put more priority into retaining young stars Evgeni Malkin, Marc-Andre Fleury and Jordan Staal.

The Penguins acquired Hossa at the trade deadline to bolster their roster for a run at the Stanley Cup and while he’s paid strong dividends so far. Through 12 games in the playoffs, Hossa has 8 goals, 7 assists, and is a plus 6. With Pittsburgh about to play in the Stanley Cup finals the trade has been well worth it.

To say that the Bruins will be the only team making a strong push for Hossa’s services is borderline insanity, with the Rangers and Canadiens already proclaiming high interest. However, rumors around the league say that the Bruin’s are the front runners in the Hossa sweepstakes.

Reports out of Boston since the end of the regular season suggest Bruins GM Peter Chiarelli could make a serious push to sign Hossa. Chiarelli was assistant GM with the Ottawa Senators during Hossa’s final seasons with that club, plus Hossa’s friend and former Senators teammate Zdeno Chara is captain of the Bruins. Chara’s relationship with Hossa may be Boston’s best chance in landing the free agent to be.

Both Hossa and Chara are Slovakian and have played in numerous games together representing their country. They also were teamates with the Ottawa Senators, minor hockey in Slovakia and in the WHL. These two have remained close and are “Best friends” for over the past 10 years. Their relationship goes even deeper when Hossa was Chara’s best man when he got married this past summer. Chara was also Hossa’s best man at his wedding.

As Hossa continues to dazzle in the playoffs and help Pittsburgh win the Stanley Cup, the rest of the league will be developing a game plan on how to land his services. When the bidding war begins, its essentially up to Hossa to decide. As long as Chiarelli offers him a reasonable deal, then Chara’s friendship may just be the piece that puts Boston over the top as Hossa’s new destination.

Third baseman Mike Lowell went 6-for-17 (.353) with one home run, four RBIs and three runs scored. He has hit safely in six consecutive contests and looks fully recovered from the thumb injury that landed him on the disabled list.

First baseman Kevin Youkilis continued his breakout year. He went 6-for-15 (.400) in three games with one home run, three RBIs and three runs scored. He continues to maintain a fluid stroke that screams keen batting prowess. In my mind, Youkilis has morphed into one of the best hitters in the game and is as valuable at the plate as outfielder Manny Ramirez and designated hitter David Ortiz.

Outfielder Coco Crisp went 4-for-13 (.308) with two home runs, four RBIs, four runs scored and one stolen base. The competition between Crisp and Ellsbury has escalated over the last few weeks; something must be done soon because keeping each of these guys on the bench at any given moment promotes regression. Either one or none Sox, do something!

Starting pitcher Daisuke Matsuzaka notched his sixth victory of the season in a six-hit performance with seven strikeouts and three walks. He conceded two runs in seven innings of work and once again pitched very smart. Let the wins keep on coming.

I truly think the Sox are going to go on a major winning streak very shortly, but the end of the rotation is truly worrisome. I think Wakefield is way too streaky and ageing quickly, Lester is developing too slowly and Buchholz is as unpredictable as the 2008 postseason version of the Boston Celtics. The problem is cohesion; they just haven’t fused as a team yet. They don’t seem to be feeding off each other, they seem tired all the time and they seem to be giving into whatever is grinding at them. By no means am I downplaying the fact that they are first in the American League East, but as an avid fan, I just know they can do better. Bottom line is that they shouldn’t be losing three games to the Twins in a four-game set. Viva la Lowrie!

Underneath my own findings, our old friend Adam Cole-Kelly chimes in with some discoveries of his own. Turns out Ben Wallace’s dizzy spell and “inner ear infection” was actually caused by a chip ACK had placed in Wallace’s ear to relay his inner thoughts. Luckily said chip was contagious and it spread to all the other players granting him unprecedented access to their thoughts through the first three games of the series.

Rich Levine (Celtics fan):

Cleveland Cavaliers

Wally Szczerbiak: I have been shooting the lights out baby! I can’t wait to get home and watch how great I looked doing it on SportsCenter. You know, sometimes the shots just… ooh, look! I can kind of see my own reflection in that window. I look sharp.

Delonte West: The thing about Game 3 was, I wonder how long it would take me to ride my bike to that Popeye’s chicken we used to eat at back at St. Joe’s? Lemme call Jameer and see if he remembers how to get there. (Talking into his TV remote) Hey, yo, Jameer! Do you remember what I called you for?

Lebron James: (Driving home from the game) Damn, that other car is getting a little close (Arms flail off steering wheel…Swerve!) Foul!! That’s a foul! You see, my Hummer’s so big, fast and strong that if I don’t overreact every time some comes close to me, they’ll never find them at fault if we get in an accident. Man, I’m really proud of myself.

Zydrunas Ilgauskas: They say this Lebron is the king, but if I keep playing as this, then why not Z? Yes, King Zydrunas. PS: Is this what I sound like? I’m not sure I’VE ever even heard myself speak.

Ben Wallace: Let them think that dizziness is the cause of all my woe. I’ll never admit that I’m playing through the most severe afro sprain of my 11-year career. Luckily, Al of Al’s Barber Shop in Cleveland is the Dr. James Andrews of the afro sprain. He’s got my fro corn-rowed down so tight it feels like I’m playing with the ‘do of a 25-year old.

Daniel Gibson: It’s official. I’m Eddie House! Pencil me in for 10 points and 1.5 assists a game for the rest of my career-unless Lebron and I break up, in which case the points will probably drop down to eight.

Joe Smith: What beautiful contrast that the man with the most mediocre name in NBA history might end up having the most mediocre career in league history! If Mom, had just name me Jeaux Smith it would have been good for at least another five points and three rebounds a game.

Anderson Varejao: The first three games of this series confirmed on one thing for me. I’m either the most underrated player in the league, or the most underrated player I the league. There is no in between.

Boston Celtics

Rajon Rondo: Man, this ain’t Atlanta. Guys are actually challenging me when I penetrate and they’re so big that I can’t even get a decent look. I need to start stroking my J before Cassell takes all my run-although that would leave me more time for roller-skating.

Ray Allen: Does this regular season feel ridiculously long to anyone else? I’ll tell you what: The playoffs cannot start fast enough. Someone please let me know when they do.

Paul Pierce: Yeah, I’ve had my struggles but do you realize that my shooting percentage (12 for 35-34%) is the same as my jersey number? Not that easy to do. Try and match me, PJ Brown.

Kevin Garnett: What a relief to know that if we fall short this season, Bill Russell is willing to “share” one of his eleven, 30-year old championship rings with me.

Phew! And to think I’ve been stressing all this time about retiring without a ring…

Kendrick Perkins: OK. Every time I get the ball, I bring it down to my ankles. It might be the most predictable move in all of basketball. So here’s what I’m gonna do. Next time I get an offensive rebound, I’ll just… bring it down to my ankles! They’ll never expect it.

James Posey: Something’s not right. Rondo gets a hug, he struggles. Paul gets a hug, he struggles. Perk and Ray? Hug, hug, struggle, struggle. I don’t get ANY hugs, and have been the most consistent player on the entire team this series. Could it be that… nah, I just love giving hugs too much.

Sam Cassell: I have been strug-eh-ling these last two games (4-18 form the field)! There’s no way I’m putting on SportsCenter tonight. You know, sometimes the shots just… AHHHH… I can kind of see my own reflection in that window.

PJ Brown: Paul Pierce can brag all he wants about his field goal percentage matching his jersey number, Try having your team average your age in points for an enire series!-Boston is averaging 83 points a contest through the first three games.

Leon Powe: I thought it was a compliment when Ben Wallace told me that I reminded him of himself when he was younger. Only now am I realizing he was referring to back when he was 16 years old.
Adam Cole-Kelly (Cavs fan):

Lebron James: The King isn’t worried that the King hasn’t shot the basketball the way the King knows that the King is capable of. If anything the King is proud of the way the King has allowed the King’s teammates to get more involved and boost their confidence- because the confidence of the The King’s teammates is most definitely more of an issue than the confidence of the King is. It’s only a matter of time before the King really gets it going and when that happens, all the King is saying is: look out. Now the King needs to go roll some real dice with Damon Jones so that when we pretend to do it at the end of the player intros next game our routine is even more on point.

Zydrunas Ilgauskas: I love to shoot Z basketball! Get it? Seriously though, what is deal with the announcers? How many times they can say I used to be point guard? So what? I also used to have private part shorter than French baguette, but then I turn 10. No, but thank you Celtics, you make me look like hall of famer!

Wally Szczerbiak: I can’t believe ABC aired that clip of me talking about Lebron without my product in during game 3. At least I can take some solace in the rediscovery of my shot- none too soon either. Lord knows without my jumper I’m what a baseball scout might refer to as a zero tool player. More like a Szczero tool player! Oh man, Big Z’s gonna love that joke.

Ben Wallace: If the other team is resorting to a Hack-A-Ben strategy it’s obvious shooting foul shots isn’t my strong suit. Everybody understands that. So there’s no need to go posting graphics on tv showing how I have the worst FT percentage of all time. That’s just cold. Letting everybody see that Chris Dudley had a sweeter stroke than I do? Makes me mad enough to drop a double-double every game from here on out.

Delonte West: When I hit that game winner vs. the Wizards I told everybody it’s hands down mans down, but nobody wants to listen. After I hit blackjack on the C’s the other day I guess I have to come up with a new line to warn these guys. It’s kinda like the first day of school, but instead of layin’ your clothes out, they’re late on their close outs and I’m undressing the D.(West that is) Yup, that all made perfect sense.

Joe Smith: I don’t know what to be more thankful for: all the open looks I’m getting, or the Celtics decision to stop getting KG the ball where he can abuse me in the post. Either way, it sure is nice to be back in the comforts of ho— I shouldn’t jinx it. Last 5 times I’ve used the h-word I’ve been traded by the end of the week.

Anderson Varejo- First they introduce me as a starter and I don’t even start, then I take a mid-range jumper and actually make it and then I hurt my knee in a collision when I’m not even trying to flop. The only way game 4 could be any crazier than game 3 would be if I didn’t wear my ridiculous wig.

Daniel Gibson- Ever since Wally started knocking down 3’s, I feel like we don’t need another good-looking, long-range specialist who carefully manicures his hair anymore. But if I start to feel too badly I have to remember, happiness is only a smile into a mirror away. Besides, I prefer to save my heroics for later in the series.

Kevin Garnett- Mother fu*%er! I can’t believe it’s been two mutha fu*%in’ minutes since I last mouthed mother fu%*er on national TV.

Paul Pierce- At least Lebron hasn’t embarrassed me at all when I’ve been guarding him, cause he sure punked me when he ripped the ball out of my hands like I was a child. I knew dude was strong, but damn!

Ray Allen- Who knew you could age so rapidly in one postseason? I’m making P.J. look spry.

Rajon Rondo- If I applied for a loan to build another house, is it possible Lebron would reject that too?

Kendrick Perkins- I think I’ve proven that I have range just like Ilgauskus’ -only mine is in inches instead of feet. Give me a good look from 18″, you might as well just ring it up.

James Posey- Lebron’s been choking enough on his own, I probably didn’t need to lend a helping hand. I wonder if anybody has noticed that I pretty much haven’t missed a shot this entire series.

Sam Cassell- I swear to god, if Zydrunas puts his canoe sized foot on my pretty little head, one more time, it’s gonna get ugly. And if anybody thinks one 0-fer game is gonna faze me, I got some daggers waiting for them.

Leon Powe- What else do I have to do to get some more of Kendrick’s minutes? If I wasn’t so humble I’d challenge anybody to point out a weakness in my game.

P.J. Brown- What’s this Quickens Loans Arena mumbo-jumbo. Whatever happened to the good old days battling at Richfield Coliseum against World B. Free, Phil Hubbard and that load in the middle, what was his name Mel Turpin?