Now that football and baseball seasons have finally and officially collided, let’s have some fun—or I should I say, more fun—with it. Take every Pats roster of the Tom Brady era and put together a fully functioning Major League baseball team. Here’s mine: 

Catcher: Tom Brady

I went back and forth between catcher and third for Brady but ultimately, I want him behind the plate. I guarantee Brady could run a pitching staff like no one ever has. In terms of leadership, he’d make Varitek look like Wily Mo Peña.

Although if Brady’s catching for the Sox there’s no way he’s dating Gisele. He’d probably have to settle for a professional volleyball player, sideline reporter or, if he’s really lucky, like the last girl to make the cut for the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.

I also made him the catcher because I decided two seconds ago that he kind of looks like a young Mickey Tettleton. Bonus points if he rocks the same sweet stance.

First Base: Richard Seymour

I don’t need to go into detail on the kind of clout Big Sey would carry at the plate, but he’s also pretty flexible for a giant. If he went into a full stretch from first base, I bet he could high five the pitcher. Who doesn’t want that from his first baseman?

Would fielding be a problem? Perhaps, slightly, but don’t underestimate Seymour’s quickness. He’d be out there pouncing on grounders like a grizzly bear trying to catch a frog.  

For most of us, last year’s Super Bowl is still a pretty painful memory—unless of course you’re one of the most visible columnists for the city’s most visible news outlet, in which case you think it’s a good idea to write a column drudging up all the bad memories and making awful jokes because, after all, this is what Bostonians want to read.

Woah, sorry. Anyway, so the Super Bowl still burns, but that doesn’t mean we can’t try to make a little cash off the Giants good fortune—it’s the least they could do for us. Tonight, in the NFL season opener, the Giants are at home giving four points to the division rival Redskins.

If you’re interested, here’s how the last seven NFL Champions have done against the spread in the opening game of the following season:

(All spreads from covers.com)

2007
Colts vs. Bears
The spread: Colts -5.5
The outcome: Colts, 41-10

2006
Steelers vs. Dolphins
The spread: Steelers -1
The outcome: Steelers, 28-17

2005
Patriots vs. Raiders
The spread: Patriots -7.5
The outcome: Patriots, 30-20

2004
Patriots vs. Colts
The spread: Patriots -3
The outcome: Patriots, 27-24

2003
Buccaneers @ Eagles
The spread: Eagles +3
The outcome: Bucs, 17-0

2002
Patriots vs. Steelers
The spread: Steelers -2.5
The outcome: Patriots, 30-14

2001
Ravens vs. Bears
The spread: Ravens -9.5
The outcome: Ravens, 17-6

So there you go. Seven seasons. Seven Super Bowl Champs. Seven wins. 6-0-1 against the spread.

A) Kendrick Perkins

B) Serena Williams

C) Ruben Studdard

 Trembley is Shatner

Captain’s Log, stardate Sept. 3: What the eff am I supposed to do about Pedroia!??!

This afternoon, Daisuke Matsuzaka has the chance to win his 17th game of the season. I know this because the RemDawg (!!!) told me, and he’s the President of Red Sox Nation. When he wasn’t plugging his Web site, Remy also explained that Dice-K’s win would be a little more special than your run of the mill 17th. This is because the victory would give him the record for most wins in a season by a Japanese pitcher. 

I imagine this would be a pretty cool accomplishment for Dice-K. Anytime you can do something that no one else from your country has ever done—even if it’s being the first guy to ever take off your skate and try to stab somebody during a hockey game—you’ve got to feel mighty decent about yourself.

But then again, it’s not like the pool of Japanese starters that came before him has been that sweet. Hideo Nomo has the record now at 16. He actually won 16 games three different times. After that, Kazuhisa Ishii is the only other Japanese guy to even win 14 games in a year (Hideki Irabu’s career high was 13). 

So if he wins today, feel free to refer to Matsuzaka as the man with the record for most wins in a season by a Japanese pitcher. I just think it might be easier to say, "Hey, now Dice K’s better than Hideo Nomo!"

Take your pick:

Scene 1

Situation A

Bottom of the 6th, Sox up 6-3, runners on second and third with two outs. David Ortiz at the plate or…

Situation B 

Bottom of the 6th, Sox up 6-3, bases loaded with two outs. Kevin Youkilis at the plate.

Scene 2

Situation A

Bottom of the 8th, Sox up 6-4, man on second with one out. David Ortiz at the plate or…

Situation B

Bottom of the 8th, Sox up 6-4, men on first and second, with one out. Kevin Youkilis at the plate.

Last night, Orioles manager Dave Trembley was presented with each these two scenarios, and both times, he went with B. Both times, he felt that pitching around David Ortiz, and to Kevin Youkilis, gave his team a better chance of winning. But here’s the question:

As a Red Sox fan…at this very point in time… during this very Red Sox season… who would you rather have out there? Forget the past for a second. Just consider these last five months. Aren’t the Sox a more dangerous team in Situation B? For right now, wouldn’t you rather have Youk up with the bases loaded and two outs, than runners at second and third for Ortiz?  

This isn’t going to be a "Papi’s Lost It" manifesto—but him and  are on a little bit of a cold streak.

Somewhere out there along the space time continuum, there exists a world where my parents almost never kissed and my best friend is a 60-year old weirdo named Doc. In this world, it is March 24, 2008, and I’ve just been given today’s newspaper.

Where I live, the season’s yet to start, but this is how it will play out. I see that with only a month left to play, the Red Sox are firmly in playoff contention. The year has been a success and here are the stats that absolutely blow my mind:

Kevin Youkilis is the team leader in average, home runs and RBI

Dustin Pedroia has as many stolen bases as Julio Lugo, more homers than Mike Lowell, more doubles than Papi and Tek combined and more at bats than any major leaguer other than Jose Reyes and Ichiro

Josh Beckett and Clay Buchholz have a combined 18 losses; Dice-K and Lester, a combined four.

And while we’re at it, players with more wins than Clay Buchholz: Lester, Wakefield, Beckett, Dice-K, Papelbon, Okajima, Aardsma, Masterson and Timlin.

JD Drew is eighth in the majotrs in On-Base Percentage.

The Red Sox are second in the American League in stolen bases but sixth in homers.

Jason Varitek and Jed Lowrie would have 36 and 32 RBI, respectively… in 108 and 52 games, respectively.

Varitek and Jason Bay have scored 32 and 22 runs, respectively… in 108 and 23 games, respectively.

Whenever I have a question concerning an injury to a local athlete, there’s only one guy I turn to: Dr. Eric Fornari, Orthopedic Surgery Resident at Tufts Medical Center. Dr. Fornari was lucky enough to have been matched with me as a roommate freshman year of college, and in the 10 years since has risen through the medical ranks to emerge as the Jacoby Ellsbury of local orthopedics—only a lot slower and uglier.

My conversations with Dr. Fornari always leave me feeling more knowledgeable about the injury at hand, and hopefully they’ll do the same for you. It’s not the vague reports of "day-to-day" that come from the Sox front office, but it’s also in a language that I can understand (which is saying a lot). So as injuries arise, Dr. Fornari will try to give us some better insight on what it all means. Today’s injury is Tom Brady, but first, a disclaimer or three.

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed below are solely those of a young, though rather competent, Orthopedic Surgery resident, and should not be interpreted as anything more. However, if you have any further questions, don’t hesitate to contact my editor. 

Disclaimer 2: Repeat. This is not a breakdown of Tom Brady’s bone bruise. This is a merely an explanation of what a bone bruise usually means from a guys who’s treated his fair share.

Disclaimer 3: The Doc’s a Giants fan, which explains the cheap shot at the end.