When I first read Moneyball: The Art of Winning an Unfair Game six years ago, I remember wondering repeatedly how all those young players highlighted in the book would turn out. At the time, of course, those players were all still mere prospects working their way up through the minors. Readers were therefore left to rely upon author Michael Lewis’s claims of genius bestowed upon Oakland A’s general manager Billy Beane. In the meantime, we’d have to wait and see for ourselves.

Of course, in these parts, we all know how the much discussed Kevin Youkilis turned out. In the book, Youkilis was described as “a fat third baseman who couldn’t run, throw or field”. Regardless, Beane coveted Youk as an on-base machine and famously nicknamed him “the Greek God of Walks” (after which Youkilis was famously derided by Terry Francona, who said, “I’ve seen him in the shower and he’s not the Greek God of anything”).

Looking back at the book, I had a hard time getting past Lewis’s frequent man-crush descriptions of Beane peppered throughout. According to Lewis’s portrayal, Beane was (among other things) a skilled ladies man, a no-nonsense genius and a conniving baseball visionary capable of brutal feats of strength (which comes in handy around Festivus). Honestly, Lewis’s fawning reached such a level of idolatry at times that one could easily slip in a few paraphrased “Chuck Norris Facts” into the Moneyball text and it would be difficult to sift them out:

Last week, Peggy Noonan of The Wall Street Journal earnestly reflected that "a great man is one sentence”. She then laid out a couple of examples with: “He preserved the union and freed the slaves” and “He lifted us out of a great depression and helped us win a World War”, obviously speaking of Abraham Lincoln and Theo Epstein respectively.

Actually, Noonan seemed to indicate that the second quote was about FDR but I assumed this was merely a silly typo. Even so, I think Noonan was onto something. This "one sentence" thing was a nifty little concept, one that had legs, one that I thought might translate well in summing up some of the giants on our own little sports landscape here in Boston.

Bearing this template in mind, see if you can guess these twenty specific great men of Boston sports and their lone sentence that summarizes their greatness:

• He bloodied a sock on the way to post-season glory and made the roads of Medfield safe from drunks.
   
• He destroyed the Boston Celtics and wrote best-selling books on how to be a success.
   
• He broke the single season record for touchdown receptions and fake-mooned deserving Green Bay Packers fans.
   
• He hit like a Hall of Famer and urinated in the Green Monster.
   
• He played 16 years in the NHL and traded Joe Thornton for a sack of potatoes.
   

I covered my first draft three years ago at the Celtics’ practice facility at HealthPoint in Waltham. At the time, despite prior warnings from Alan Greenspan on the matter, I had a lot to learn about the concept of irrational exuberance.

When the trade for Ray Allen was announced as forthcoming (it wouldn’t be made official until Seattle chose Glen Davis on Boston’s behalf with the 5th pick of the second round), it was immediately denounced as a ridiculous move by several of the loud experts in Bristol, Connecticut. In Boston, however, the reporters were more confused than critical. Many seemed to agree that the rumored Garnett trade would be dead in the water and the team would be left with two aging swingmen surrounded by a bunch of kids. Regardless, the general feeling was that the team would at least be better than the squad that had lost 18 in a row the previous season.

While we anxiously await “the next shoe to drop” in Danny Ainge’s oft-rumored off-season master plan, I offer up these few random thoughts…

 

First of all, it seems fairly obvious that on draft night, Danny Ainge and Doc Rivers had a story to sell on behalf of their team owners. Their story had far more to do with the wooing of prospective season ticket holders and less to do with anything related to actual basketball. In short, these good company men attempted to convince us that the reconfigured roster instantly made them serious contenders in the East. It was a humorous moment enjoyed by all until we realized that they were dead serious. They were actually asking us to believe that Ray Allen’s ability to score 25 points per game represented a blanket cure for Boston’s long list of ills. The last time I checked, Ray Allen doesn’t play point guard or defense, which unfortunately remain as two of the team’s most glaring needs.

 

This is not to say that the trade is undesirable on its own merits. There are a number of positives to be fairly acknowledged. For example, when I first heard of the trade, I instantly offered my services to personally bounty hunt Wally Szczerbiak and fasten him to a seat on a one-way plane to Seattle. As for Delonte West and the fifth pick, like most people, I had mixed feelings. I knew I’d miss West’s gritty hustle and steady stream of bizarre quotes that regularly made for good copy. I was also terrified of future hauntings from Li Jianlian, who I came to know as a tiny Chinese menace against terrible competition on my two inch YouTube screen. That is, until I saw him play against the Celtics summer squad in Las Vegas, where he much more closely resembled an overwhelmed Jerome Moiso than an Asian template of Dirk Nowitzki. I’ve been sleeping peacefully ever since.

Anyway, the point of all this is to recognize that NBA Draft Night is almost always a sure bet to be a hot steaming pile of fun, especially with Danny Ainge in charge. Just remember that whatever happens, the eventual reality is likely to look a lot different the following spring.

In case you haven’t heard already, the NBA is a business. Players get traded. Even those who are cherished by teammates and fans alike. Toughen up. Don’t be a nave. It’s just business. Leave the gun. Take the cannoli. Business.

Now that there are no games left to be played by the Boston Celtics until October, I’m heading off into summer hibernation. Before I go, however, I’ll leave you with these recent Celtics-related headlines and my own related ponderings.

A Case of Mistaken Identity

I was on Yahoo! last week checking my e-mail when I caught the following partial headline on the right side of the page:

“Ex-NBA Player Blount sentenced to 1 year in…”

I immediately clicked on the link hoping for an energizing burst of schadenfreude. I just assumed the headline had something to do with Mark Blount and his years of salary theft from several NBA teams.

Unfortunately, the story was actually about Corie Blount and his possession of 11 pounds of Mary Jane. 11 pounds. Even Bill Lee thinks that’s just plain ridiculous. Not all was lost, though, because I did get a kick out of this part of the story:

“Although Judge Craig Hedric did not sentence Blount to the maximum 10 years in prison, he rejected Blount’s claim that the marijuana was intended for personal use and to share with friends. “Cheech and Chong would have had a hard time smoking that much,” Hedric told Blount. Good one, Your Honor.

Bad Kobe!!! NO!!!!

In the interest of full disclosure, I ran a similar thought on my Full Court Press blog on Bostonsportsmedia.com but since Kobe Bryant is still front and center on the NBA scene, I thought this might be worth repeating here.

Looking ahead, the Boston Celtics face a daunting offseason. There are many decisions to be made, none of them easy. In ancient times, the Greeks had the Oracle of Delphi to provide some guidance with such difficult questions. Today, we have our own oracle in the form of the Magic 8 Ball. Thusly, I’ve dug out my own little ball of wisdom from the bottom of the toy box and peppered it with eight hard Celtics-related questions (but only after attempting to answer them myself first). Here are the dramatic results:

Will Glen Davis be back in Boston next year? Or better yet, should Glen Davis be back in Boston next year?

My answer: Well, it depends. On his way out the door, when asked whether he would be back, Davis fell just shy jumping up and down and repeatedly shouting “SHOW ME THE MONEY!!!” That’s fine, I guess. The man understandably wants to be paid to the maximum potential and won’t be giving away any hometown discount here during the restricted free agency process. There’s a flip-side to that, of course, which is to say that at some point, Glen Davis simply won’t be worth what he is looking for in terms of compensation. Personally, the figures that I’ve seen tossed about (five to seven million per year) seem pretty outlandish for an undersized reserve power forward who can’t rebound or finish at the basket particularly well or reliably rotate as part of a team defense. Yes, Davis has his positives (energy, scoring ability, I’ll think of a few others if you give me some time) but you still have to wonder how well he’ll play once he’s surrounded by fellow reserves again. So, long answer short is: Yes, but only at the right (read: flat out reasonable) price. If some team wants to overpay him, Boston should either sign-and-trade the Big Baby or let him walk and use the money on a more versatile veteran big instead.

First of all, let’s unfurl the official banners and hand out the award for REAL MEN OF GENIUS. Today, I salute you, Mr. The Reason The Celtics Lost Was Because Kevin Garnett Was Hurt. Ah yes, only you could take an observation so astoundingly obvious and pawn it off as legitimate basketball analysis. We all eagerly anticipate your next column or talking point: Why breathing oxygen is good.

Ugh. It’s been several days now and yet I still can’t get past how it all went down. Yes, the loss of Garnett was clearly the primary driver behind why the Celtics faltered in their title defense. That said, there were plenty of other developments (or lack thereof) that contributed to the early demise of the 2008-09 season. I would contend that it is important to understand these other factors. Or, to paraphrase a certain wise dreadlocked rastafarian named Ziggy Marley, if you don’t know your past, you don’t know your future. Therefore, in the interest of understanding the recent past and therefore the future, let’s proceed directly to the postmortem.