The Red Sox were the last team in Major League Baseball to sign an African-American to its big-league roster, when Pumpsie Green got the call in 1959. The team and the city have come a long way in race relations since then, embracing non-white players like Luis Tiant and David Ortiz. But consider this: If the "click" David Ortiz reportedly heard in his wrist last night turns into something serious, the Red Sox could easily be featuring this lineup: Jason Varitek, Kevin Youkilis, Dustin Pedroia, Jed Lowrie, Mike Lowell, Jason Bay, Jacoby Ellsbury, J.D. Drew, Sean Casey.

Can you say milquetoast?

Yeah, I know Lowell is Cuban. And Ellsbury is part Indian. But would any reasonable person describe those two gentlemen as minorities? With the trade of Manny Ramirez and the injury to Julio Lugo, the Red Sox’ starting lineup features a dearth of minorities, and if Big Papi goes down (I know, strike me dead) then Boston’s lineup will seem eerily similar to the pre-Pumpsie days. Is that a big deal? It shouldn’t be, since no intelligent fan gives a crap about the color of a player’s skin. Still, it’s remarkable how close the Red Sox are to being White Guy Central again, at least when it comes to hitters.

I think it’s appropriate to introduce this video from SoxCorner by reminding everyone of some choice dialogue from Happy Gilmore. Namely, the scene when Shooter McGavin says, "I eat pieces of (bleep) like you for breakfast," and Happy replies, "You eat pieces of (bleep) for breakfast?" Alas, Shooter is forced to admit "No."

During his career Mickey Mantle, the greatest switch-hitter in history, never hit right-handed against a right-handed pitcher or left-handed versus a left-handed pitcher, according to stats taken from Baseball-Reference.com. Mantle might have done it early in his career, before he was fully established, but BR.com’s switch-hitting stats only go back to 1956. When it comes to the best switch hitters in MLB history, Mantle’s refusal to switch things up, even when he was slumping, is the norm, not the exception.

Pete Rose only batted lefty-versus-lefty four times in his career (and went hitless in all four at-bats). He never hit righty-versus-righty.

Eddie Murray hit right-righty once. He made an out.

Ted Simmons tried it once, hitting lefty-versus-lefty. He also made an out.

These men were some of the greatest switch-hitters in history, so their pig-headed refusal to bat against convention is understandable. So what the hell is Jason Varitek’s excuse? Believe it not, Varitek has never tried hitting righty-righty or lefty-lefty in his entire career. Not once.

Varitek can’t do squat hitting left-handed these days (.206 BA this year as a lefty versus .259 as a righty, which is his natural-hitting side). So why doesn’t someone — say, the hitting coach? — at least suggest the possibility that Varitek hit right-handed ALL the time? I mean, can the results be any worse? He’s struck out 67 times in 252 plate appearances from the left-hand side, with an OPS (.639) nearly 100 points lower than it is from the right side (.735). Sure, Varitek hit a double last night, roping it towards the Pesky Pole, but only because he guessed correctly and started swinging before Jered Weaver even began his wind-up.

Convinced they’d reach the point of no return with mercurial left fielder Manny Ramirez, the Red Sox traded the 2004 World Series MVP to Boston late Tuesday night, receiving $20 million and two first-round picks in return, a deal first reported by Comcast SportsNet New England. Ramirez said he was satisfied with the trade and is looking forward to a new start.

“I enjoyed my time with the Red Sox, made some good friends, and I hope to do the same in Boston.”

Red Sox and Boston officials were unavailable for comment. The Red Sox lost to the Angels Monday night, 7-5, and remain one game behind the Tampa Bay Rays in the American League East.

Some nice stills in this video, taken when a Mariners fan, no doubt distraught over the team’s release of Richie Sexson, tries to slalom past security during the July 23rd game between the M’s and the Red Sox. The fan in question, who might be Steve-O, lays a nice stiff arm de-cleater on the first security guard. To the guard’s credit, however, he would appear to be the same guy who makes the scene-ending tackle. Nice closing speed. Way to play to the whistle.